The Words I'll Never Use In Friendship Again

I don't love the phrase best friend.

I loathe it actually.  And not just the phrase best friend but really, any words that associate with it.

Bestie. BFF. Best Mate. Sista' From Another Mista'.  I want to do away with them all. 

Now, before you begin to pelt your computer screen with all of the pink and red Valentine's M & M's that you've been hoarding for your toddler's nap time, please just hear me out. 

Last year my daughter started Kindergarten.  Now, for anyone who has ever met Mack, you know that the girl is special.  And not like, eat paste, type special.  Mackenzie loves people.  She's got a huge heart and she's uniquely compassionate for a 6-year-old. 

At Mackenzie's Kindergarten orientation she met a little girl who I'll call Olivia.  Now, Olivia was a flippin' mess that night -- crying big, ugly tears.  We encouraged Mackenzie to make a new friend. We coaxed her to talk Olivia and to tell her that it was okay to be a little scared.

Three days later, Mackenzie and Olivia walked into school hand in hand for their first day of Kindergarten.  Not a tear in sight.  It was one of my proudest momma moments to date.  In Mackenzie's mind, that moment sealed the deal for something special.  Olivia was it.  Her very best friend. And there wasn't a darn thing you were going to say to change her mind. 

That was September.  By October the drama had begun.  Mackenzie would come home from school in tears every other day with stories of how Olivia would say she was her best friend but then refuse to sit with her at lunch.  Or, Olivia would play with her at recess but then brag about having another friend over for a playdate.  Every day it was something new. 

Now, please hear me -- I don't for one second believe my daughter is perfect.  We have had our fair share of conversations about how to treat our friends right. Mackenzie is still learning, as am I.

What finally did it for me was the day that Mackenzie climbed into the car after school and through crocodile tears she asked, "Momma, why doesn't she love me?  She was suppose to be my best friend."  My momma heart just broke into a thousand pieces.  My girl.  My beautiful, funny, smart, kind and compassionate girl, was questioning her value and worth as a friend. 

The phrase Best Friend is a powerful one.  There's a whole lot of weight packed into two small words. 

To the person you are calling your best friend, there's a lot of pressure to live up to the meaning.  To be the best.  The one who won't let down and won't hurt you.  The one who will have your back no matter what.  The one who is better than all other friends.

For your friends who haven't attained best friend status, these words are a breeding ground for insecurity and for not feeling good enough.  To know there's a best friend card on the table but that you haven't quite earned it. Good heavens, ouch!

Earlier this year I attended an event with a group of friends.  It was a fantastic weekend complete with one of those photo props that came with the goofy hats and feather boas for posing.  Two friends in particular claimed bestie status from the start of the event.  And to be frankly honest, they made the picture taking part of the weekend incredibly awkward.  What was suppose to be fun and carefree turned into an exclusivity party. 

While I stood back with several newer friends, these two girls repeatedly asked others to take their picture while they did the whole, "Say cheese!" thing. Only, they replaced "cheese" with "bestie". 

So, "Say Bestie!"  Weird, I know.

That was the weekend I decided that I will officially never use the phrase best friends again.  And as a momma, I will encourage my daughter to steer clear from this phrase as well in her friendships.

Now, I would be bold faced lying if I said that all friendships are equal.  Not all friendships are equal.  There, I said it.  I just don't quite understand the benefit of shouting friendship inequality from the rooftops.

Sometimes within a friendship, it's okay to sense a special connection with someone and for it to remain a secret, silent one.  It's okay to exchange knowing smiles and to have a mutual understanding that you've got something different and special.  I have a few of these friendships and I'm thankful for them.

What's not okay is to use those special friendships to make other others feel less than.

My greatest desire is for the women I do life with to leave my presence feeling loved, encouraged and empowered.  As a momma, I hope that I can teach my daughter that friendship is a gift and to treat it as such.  I desire for her to grow, knowing that while not all friendships are equal -- all friendships do have value and are worthy of respect and great care. 

 

I propose that one of the best ways to care for the heart of a friend is to make sure that she never has to question her status on your friendship podium or have to wonder whether she would be picked last for your friend dodge ball team.  She should just know in her heart that she's got a place on the stand and a spot on the team.

To all of my girlfriends out there, you should know that you don't need a best, bestie or BFF attached to your name.  Each of you has uniquely added to my life in some way, shape and form.  I am blessed by you and I value your friendship for the uniqueness that you bring to my life and not because you do it better or worse than any other friend.  You are incredibly loved. 

That's a Wrap!

For those of you who have been faithfully following along over the past month, you know that our family ventured into the New Year with a #Newyearnospend challenge.  And good heavens, what a challenge this was.  I'll keep this post short & sweet with 5 things I'm taking away from this January No Spend attempt. 

 

 

1. Plan Ahead

For our No Spend August last summer did a lot of intentional pre-planning.  We created a month long meal plan and we did our grocery shopping prior to the end of July.  I won't lie, it was a lot of work but it was what made our month a success. 

THIS time around, we were coming right off of the holidays and a Christmas trip home to see family.  We returned to real life with good intentions but truthfully, we were 3 steps behind.  The first two weeks of January were spent limping to the start line of the #Newyearnospend challenge.  

My advice to anyone who would like to try a No Spend Month in the future - Be intentional about your meal planning.  Plan two weeks at a time and do a STRICT mid month run for the second half of the month. 

2. Know Your Weaknesses

 

You are like a toxic boyfriend that I continue to swoon over. And really, your dollar spot section makes me want to become a hoarder. Stepping into your store during a No Spend Month is my biggest weakness.  I'm sorry, but we're heading for Splitsville...

 

No, but seriously.  A No Spend Month is all about knowing your weaknesses and making good choices.  A good choice for me is to just stay far away from Target.  You'll realize early on into your No Spend challenge that you'll have certain weaknesses.  Mine just happens to be the giant red bulls eye located at every 10th stop light. 
Lord, help me.

 

3. Will Cave for Puppies

 

 

 

Okay.  So we bought a puppy.  A really cute, fairly well behaved puppy.  Does that make it an appropriate exception?  Ehhh, maybe...maybe not.  Now, in our defense, she wasn't entirely an impulse purchase (which as stated in the rules, was not allowed). We've been looking for a black lab puppy for quite a while now and when we heard of a litter being practically given away, we just couldn't pass her up. Of course, along with a puppy comes lots of new puppy expenses.  So there's that.

 

 

 

Truthfully, we don't regret for one second adding Boston to our family.  She was a great investment and she's been the perfect addition to the Mack & Levi duo... now make that a trio! Sometimes, you have to go with your gut and know when spending money is okay.  This time, we just knew it was right. I'm so glad we chose to go with our hearts over saving a little bit of money. 

 

4. Make New Friends but Keep the Old

So, I'll admit, we didn't do so great at our #newyearnospend challenge.  With that said, THIS time around, the challenge was done with friends.  And that part, was a blast!  As it turns out, doing hard things can be really fun when you've got a group of girlfriends who have your back!

 

Along with my friends Emily, Adriane and Rebekah, we made a new friend Fiona.  Fiona lives in the UK and she uses adorable phrases like "merry wanderings" (take a walk) and "donning our wellingtons".  Now truly, I had to look up wellingtons in the dictionary -- a fun British word for rain boots! 

 

Oh, and we have similar tastes in scarves so that seals the deal for our long distance, frugal friendship.  So happy to have met you on this adventure Fiona!

 

 

5. Grace, All the Cool Girls Are Doing It

 

And finally, but certainly not last, grace. In Adriane's words, "All the cool girls are doing it." Just saying the word grace relieves a whole lot of pressure off of the back of a girl who just didn't do it perfectly this time. 

 

Grace is the ability to show kindness and forgiveness to myself when I fall flat on my face.  Which is basically what I did this month.  Seriously, my girlfriends should be pulling me out of a figurative mud pit right  now. 

 

I went into our #newyearnospend challenge with such great hopes and intentions. The beauty of doing this challenge with such wonderful friends was that I had a constant cheering section rooting me on, reminding me that I didn't have to do it perfectly.

 

 

We will do another No Spend Month down the road and I'll have new goals but without a doubt, grace will continue to remain one of the expectations. 

I'm so happy you followed along! 

 

For a look back at my August No Spend Month check out these past posts -- No Spend August, National S'mores Day and Happy September.