#Squadgoals

August is almost here!  If you've followed along with our family's musings at all in the past then you might remember that last August we tried our very first no spend month!

We called it our No Spend August.  This past January, we attempted another no spend month and we called it our New Year No Spend Challenge. 

Our overarching #squadgoals during a no spend month are these:

• No impulse spending
• To purge excess of spending, household items, clothes, toys, books etc...
• No eating out unless using a gift card (& be intentional not to go over the card amount)
• Be creative and utilize resources ... for example: make a birthday gift if you forget to buy one ahead of time, borrow sugar from a neighbor if you run out prior to the end of the month... you get the idea)
• Know your necessities and stick to them.  Paying bills and filling your car with gas are necessities.  Your mani/pedi however, can wait until September

In all honestly, our New Year No Spend challenge was a bit of a flop.  We didn't plan well enough ahead of time in terms of food and groceries.  And.... we bought a puppy.

... who is now a very large puppy. 

But I digress...

We learned a few things during our New Year No Spend flop.  We learned that first and foremost, you can't go into a no spend month without showing yourself grace. 

The goal behind a no spend month is not to do it perfect.  The goal is to embark on a family challenge -- to try as a family to live outside of our comfort zones, to get by with less and to discover fun, creative ways to do so!

So for this particular August we plan to tackle our #Squadgoals by doing the following:

• We planned 10 dinner meals and bought double the ingredients.  So 10 x 2 = 20 meals for the month of August with the goal of eating leftovers for lunches.  Last night a friend graciously watched Mack & Levi so we went out for one last date night and we did some MAJOR grocery shopping.  The idea behind doing our grocery shopping prior to August is that we are well planned and won't be making any sporadic Target trips that will have us leaving with a cart full of unbudgeted extras. 

• As a family, will spend the month purging extra-- whether that's through donating, recycling or selling on Facebook Yard Sale sites.  If you haven't heard of these, search for one on Facebook for one in or near your city.  Yard Sale sites are brilliant. 

• We will be resourceful.  We will be hitting up the Denver splash pads instead of paying to go swimming.  We will swap our garden produce for any food that we run out of.  We've already got a swap going where we regularly trade our garden veggies for farm fresh eggs!  Last summer we swapped for fresh dairy and locally made jam! 

• We will try our best not to waste.  We know from trying this in the past that we tend to be low on food towards the end of the month.  Because of this we will do our best to eat all of the leftovers and to go straight to our pantry when we are low on food instead of defaulting to an unplanned grocery store run.

• We MAY do a mid month produce run to our local fruit market.  We will go in with a list and we will stick STRICTLY to it.  We've discovered that it is near impossible to do a no spend month without fresh fruit.  Otherwise, our kids end up snacking on cookies and junk food from the pantry.

• We will stay OUT OF TARGET.  It's just a slippery slope friends.  You walk in for butter and you end up with a cute mug and a cart full of dollar section finds to the tune of an extra $27.50.  We're just going to say no to Target this month. 

• We will have fun!  We try our best to include Mack and Levi and to make this a family adventure!  We want our kids to realize that trying new, hard things can be exciting! 

I will end by saying that in the past we have had several friends try this with us and they have done their own modified versions of a no spend month.  There are no set rules.  You get to make your own!

If you are intrigued and you don't know that you can do a whole month of no spending, then maybe just try it for two weeks. 

Or, sit down as a family and write out a ways that you can embrace a no spend month without going so drastic.  Figure out ways to cut spending from your budget.  Plan to cut the excess and donate what you don't need.  Take a look at your city's event calendar and try out some free events instead of spending money on family outings.  The sky really is the limit.

We hope you'll follow along with us for the month of August!

#Squadgoals

To read about our how our other no spend challenges have gone you can check out these past posts:

New Year No Spend Recap, No Spend August Recap

Taking Off the Poker Face

Recently my sweet friend Emily told a story on her blog about the moment she let her poker face slip with her two young boys.  In the midst of a calm and relaxing afternoon, one of her sons dropped a spider into her lap.  At eight months pregnant, Emily immediately jumped up from her chair and ran screaming.  In that moment she "destroyed her calm, parenting face."  I'm still giggling at the mental image of my friend running around her yard, baby belly in tow. 

For several weeks now since reading her post, that phrase poker face has been rolling around in my head.  This morning as I was lying in bed I suddenly had a small epiphany.  I've been struggling to write for the past several months because I've been afraid to let my poker face slip.

We all have one.  A poker face, that is.  A blank expression that hides one's true feelings.  Some would even go so far as to call it a resting bitch face ;)

Call it what it is, we all have some version of the poker face and we put it on when we're scared or feeling most vulnerable. 

As little girls, we learned to nail that poker face right about the time we entered junior high -- as cliques of nail polish and lip gloss wearing girls began to form and boys began to notice or not notice us.

For me, my poker face has carried over into adulthood.  It gets plastered on the second I walk into a room full of pretty mommas with diaper bags and coffee tumblers.

Over time, this blog Little Mountain Momma has become the one of the only places that I can authentically shed my poker face and be raw honest about who I am.  Perhaps it's easier for me to sit behind a computer screen and share my heart than it is to stand face to face with another woman and risk judgement or disapproval. 

When I first began writing on this blog, I was beginning to heal from postpartum depression.  We had just moved to Colorado.  I didn't have any friends in our new city. The decision to write and share was like sticking my toes into a pool of cold water for the first time -- I was bravely hoping that the ripples I was creating would somehow lead to a connection with other women who were feeling the same way.

What I found was that those ripples turned into waves. As I began to share that I was hurting -- and just plain scared of this unchartered journey called motherhood, dozens of women began to speak up about their own journeys.  Precious, brave women began to reach out and say, "Me too!" 

The feeling was exhilarating and powerful.  For the first time in  my life I began to discover that I wasn't the only one desiring to be really seen and known! 

One of my favorite authors Brene Brown writes in her book The Gifts of Imperfection, "Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make everyday.  It's about the choice to show up and be real.  The choice to be honest.  The choice to let our true selves be seen."

It's that part about authenticity being a daily choice that's a real struggle for me. At times over the past five years of writing, it's been tempting to retreat back to the image of perfection and having it all together. 

I find myself sharing so much of myself on my blog and social media platforms that I catch myself drawing back, wondering if I've become too authentic, too honest and raw.  I wonder if at some point I've become an oversharer. 

It's a balancing act as a writer to maintain a sense of privacy and dignity while also deeply desiring to connect with others authentically. The tough stuff like going through postpartum depression, losing babies to miscarriage and the disappointment of trying to get pregnant month after month.  The seasons where my marriage is struggling and my friendships aren't thriving.

A few months back I published a post while on our family vacation to Florida.  In this post I shared pictures of myself on the beach wearing a dress that was sent to me by the company Pink Blush as a way to promote their new Spring line. 

The real story behind that post was that my husband and I argued all the way to the beach.  We fought and the kids cried in the backseat.  It was hardly my proudest moment as a wife and momma.  I was so focused on honoring my commitment to Pink Blush to model their clothing, that I was willing to sacrifice our time as a family just to get the perfect inauthentic photos.

The truth is, my poker face was plastered on for that Pink Blush photo shoot. I felt like such a fraud in that moment.  I was angry at my husband and I didn't even want to play with my babies at the beach.  And this was a vacation we had been planning for over a year! 

After apologies and amends were made with my family, I made the decision to step back from blogging and social media permanently until I could figure out a way to get back to doing it authentically and without my poker face on. 

If you are a follower of my writing and (or) any of my social media pages, you may have noticed my absence.  Or, maybe you haven't.  In which case, surprise!  I've been missing for a while ;)

Taking a break from writing and sharing on social media has meant a few things for me. 

It has meant that I've actually seen my children.  I've watched their faces while playing and my thoughts haven't revolved around taking their pictures to share with the world.  We've taught and learned to ride a two wheeler, had family dinners, built a garden, gone hiking, taken trips, played in the sprinklers, had picnics.  We've lived for a few months and I haven't felt the need to display our lives for all of our friends and acquaintances and yes, even perfect strangers to see. 

It's been beautiful and refreshing. 

Taking a break has meant making the decision to permanently turn down companies and sponsors.  Free clothes are great.  It's flattering to be contacted by companies who like my writing and want me to advertise for them.  But, that's not why I began writing.  That lifestyle of blogging just isn't authentically me. 

So, I'm back. I think ;)  At least I hope to be. 

I'm practicing taking off the poker face and I plan to slowly get back to writing and sharing my heart.  Just minus the free clothes and sponsored posts.  I find that I'm most alive when I'm making connections with other women through writing when it isn't forced and fake.  Perhaps, my most authentic self is that I'm an oversharer.  And maybe that's okay.  Maybe that's how Jesus uses me best. 

Flourishing in Rest

I wake to writhing pain in my lower back.  I sit up to look at the clock.  10:15 pm.  My husband is sleeping soundly next to me and our six-week-old baby is in her crib in the next room.  I lean back on my pillow and begin to toss and turn, breathing through the pain as it worsens.  A half hour goes by.  I climb out of bed and stumble to the tiny, bathroom of our 500 square foot Chicago apartment. 

The pain has moved from one side of my back and has taken over my abdomen in charley horse fashion.  I clutch my stomach with one arm while trying to rub out the cramping with my free hand.  I begin to gulp water only to vomit it immediately back up.  After an hour I crawl back to our bedroom.  “Babe.  We have to go to the hospital. I am so sick.” 

I don’t know who to call to watch our 6-week-old daughter but I’m able to remember a conversation had by a new friend from a few weeks prior. “I live right down the street.  If you need anything, don’t hesitate.”  I press the dial button and wake her up.  “Lauren… It’s Brittany.  I know this is a strange request but can you please come watch my baby?”

In the emergency room I describe my pain as a 10, while I continue to dive for the nearest trash baskets.  My sweet husband holds my hair helplessly as we wait to be called back. 

After a CT scan and some heavy drugs, I’m told that I have kidney stones and am severely dehydrated with multiple infections. They plan to admit me.  In that moment, sweet relief washes over my whole body.  I recall having the thought, “Thank you! Finally, I can sleep.  I can rest!”  My thoughts of relief in that moment should have been a wakeup call to my postpartum self.  The first 6 weeks as a brand new momma had been incredibly rough and it was clearly taking its toll. 

I didn’t share this thought with my husband until years later.  At the time I was ashamed that I wanted to stay in the hospital rather than care for my newborn daughter.    

I share this memory to make a point -- often as mommas, we take on the role of martyr before we are willing to accept that we desperately need rest and self-care.  It took kidney stones and a forced hospital stay before finally waving my white flag of surrender. 

I wish I could say that in the seven years since becoming a momma, I’ve learned my lesson on caring for myself.  I wish I could share that I’ve mastered this “rest thing” and that I’m the poster girl for how it’s done well and balanced. 

But the truth is, I’m still awful at it.   On a daily basis I am physically tired and emotionally burned out from never getting it “right.”

You see, I can’t remember the last time I “slept in.”  I was blessed (ha!) with two early risers who are up with the sun most days.  The second their little feet hit the floor, my toddler demands a “snack” (also known in most American homes as breakfast).  I pack lunches, get kiddos dressed, drive to and from school.  During nap time I list on EBay and package shipments because that’s how I get to be a stay at home momma.  Except, I’m really not because twice a week I work outside of the home for a sweet little elderly woman who needs some extra help.  And then there’s school pickup, homework, dinner, bath, and bedtime stories.    

Does this sound familiar to any of you mommas?  How in the world would one even find time for rest and self-care?  In theory, this idea of rest sounds nice.  But in the real world, rest gets pushed to the back burner of my priority list. 

Last month I took a long weekend off from caring for my own family to fly out to visit a close friend Pam, in North Carolina.  Now, Pam has two children under three years old and a husband who works long hours.  I knew when booking my plane ticket that I would likely be stepping in to help wrangle toddler chaos.  I also assumed that I would be sleeping on her living room couch.  I was perfectly okay with this.  I resigned myself to write “rest” off of my personal agenda for the weekend and to just enjoy the much needed time with my friend. 

Upon arriving to her home, Pam showed me upstairs to a beautiful, newly remodeled guest room with a large bathroom and a king sized bed.  The view from the room overlooked the breathtaking countryside of the North Carolina Mountain Foothills. 

If only you could have seen my face the very moment I realized that this would in fact be a weekend of rest.  It was like the relief I felt from that night back in the emergency room. 

The next morning Pam brought coffee to my room and I was able to drink it in blissful silence.  In the evenings I went running with no jogging stroller or children begging to get out of the mobile prison (as I’m sure this is how my children feel about my jogging stroller at this point). 

During nap times, Pam and I had a chance to sit for hours and talk.  During these hours I poured out painful details of the past year while my friend listened and offered wisdom. 

This past year in particular has been anything but restful.  After our second miscarriage in September I took up the task of “fixing” myself.  I’ve poured my blood, sweat and tears into charting temperatures, tracking hormones, timing sex perfectly and doing naked headstands.  You’re welcome, for that mental image.  I’ve watched dozens of women around me celebrate as they enter seasons of pregnancy and new motherhood while I’ve sat on the sidelines licking my wounds and wondering when God decided I was old news. 

Since September we’ve heard a dozen devotionals and messages at our MOPS  Bible Study meetings centered around flourishing in our present seasons and celebrating lavishly.  My confession to Pam that weekend (and my confession to you today) is this:  I have hardly felt the flourishing and I have done anything but celebrate this year.  In my deepest core I have felt like a scam.  I have felt beat up, angry and downright exhausted. 

There has been no rest because I wouldn’t have it. 

Resting would mean surrendering my agenda and my control to the God who failed me last September.  Resting would mean choosing to accept that my season of current heartache and brokenness was part of God’s plan. Why would God choose me to go through heartache I’ve been forced to watch so many women celebrate lavishly?

As I sat with Pam (who at the time was 4 weeks pregnant… God has a sense of humor, right?), Pam said to me, “Brittany, every single thing that God does is intentional.  It is no coincidence that you lost your baby while four women in your discussion group are now pregnant.  That is no accident.  That’s how he sanctifies you!  That is how He has chosen to sanctify these mommas!  God chose a season of mourning to sanctify you and to make you more like Him.”  

Thank you Lord…. I think? 

Pam’s words sunk deep.  It was as though a well of water was suddenly released over my dry and parched heart the moment I chose to listen and take hold of this truth. 

There are no accidents.  Every single detail of our lives are intentional and for the purpose of our sanctification.  The seasons of celebrating lavishly and the seasons of heartache and mourning. 

Maybe you’ve been in a similar season?  Maybe, you’ve shown up to Bible study this year and have sat bitterly fighting back tears as women around you have flourished.  As they’ve shared joyful news of new babies and of thriving marriages. 

Perhaps, you too have left wondering, “How, God?  How do I celebrate with them when I’m just so sad?” 

While I don’t know each of you individually, I would be willing to bet that I’m not the only momma  who has battled these thoughts this year. 

The unexpected gift that I received during my weekend at Pam’s house was rest. 

I left feeling more alive and more filled up in than I have in a long time.  I left with a deep sense that God is asking me to move with Him into a new season; a season of healing and restoration.  As my friend Nicole shared in our Bible study devotional recently, often it is the unearthing and the pruning of the soil of our hearts that must come before the flourishing.  God is teaching me that in HIS strength I must learn to celebrate lavishly with women who are in seasons of joy, even when I’m not feeling joyful.

It took a weekend of silencing the noise around me, of accepting rest as a good and necessary practice, for God to bring me into a new season of surrender and healing. 

I don’t know what’s in store for the future of our family. 

But this I do know – God loves me (and you!) deeply and fiercely.  He has not forgotten about us.  On the most painful days of this sanctifying journey, He is present.  Perhaps, in these particular seasons of pain and heartache, He does His best work when we rest into him.  When we surrender our weary bodies into the arms of a Father who hurts with us and wants to bring beauty from the ashes.  When we are still and silent and finally ready to listen. 

Jesus says in Mathew 11:28, “Come to me all who are weary and I will give you rest.”  I humbly confess that I’ve never loved this verse. It’s always felt much easier said than done.  Come to Jesus and He will give rest?  Does Jesus really understand my life as a momma?  The early mornings and the sleepless nights and the "going, going, going" that is in the in between?

I think I finally get it though.  It is through the surrender of our busyness and constant attempts to control life that we finally give way to rest.  It is how we open ourselves up to true healing and it is only then that the sanctification can take place.  It is through the discipline and cultivation of rest that we discover how to truly flourish and celebrate lavishly.