Just The Three Of Us

As I've written before in some of my more serious "momma posts", I began this blog mainly to be a voice for mommas who are afraid to admit that life isn't so perfect. The daydream that  you had as a little girl (you know, the one where you blissfully hold hands with your prince charming, while pushing your smiley baby in a stroller through the park), may happen every once in a while, but it isn't every day life.  I spend my days as a mom, picking up stray cheerios, wiping runny noses, painting toenails sparkly pink and searching for a tattered, blue elephant we affectionately call "Ted".  This is my life.  It isn't perfect and some days I have to be intentional about discovering the hidden blessings in between all of the seemingly mundane moments.  So here's my "my life isn't so perfect" spill for the week...

I've spent the past several months doing some soul searching.  Our little girl will turn three-years-old this July. Friends and family and (oh, heck) even perfect strangers have begun to question, "When are you going to have another one?"  Often when I am asked this question, I respond, "Never..." Then I stare blankly just to see what kind of a response I'll get.  Sometimes I respond with, "I like my sleep too much." "I enjoy that I'm past the baby stage." "I would love to travel more, yadah, yadah, yadah..." All valid concerns, 

but let's be honest... superficial none-the-less.  

The real truth: I want to want another baby.  I love the idea of filling up more bedrooms and of giving my little girl the baby brother she keeps asking for.  I would love to add another toe headed child to our family photos.  I want to want this more than anything. 

What many on the outside don't realize is that bringing a new baby into our home would likely come at a cost.  I don't just mean the normal "sleep deprived, money is tighter, I'm 20 lbs above my pre-pregnancy weight" cost.  I'm saying that the first time around, postpartum depression nearly destroyed me.  It took a huge toll on our marriage and it ruined many of my friendships. And the worst was that our baby girl didn't experience her momma like she deserved for over a year.  

In hindsight, I can see that I was very lucky.  My husband was a rock through my worst of worst days. And, although I would give anything to get the bonding time back with our daughter, she was so young that she was spared the gist of it .  I lost friendships but I've repaired some of them and created new ones in the meantime.  

I was and am beyond blessed. 

I am stronger and I am wiser because of having been through PPD.

I have a compassion and appreciation for other moms that I couldn't have had. 

I see my life through a new lens...one that is filled with grace, redemption and forgiveness.  

However, even having come through and learned all of this- it doesn't mean that I ever want to face the demon of PPD again. When I look back at that time in our lives I relive a darkness that I never ever desire to meet again.

I've been so grateful for the women in my life who have stepped up and walked beside me as I've gone through this process of sorting out where we take our family next.  Countless friends have said, "I'm not going anywhere and I'll walk with you if you have to face this again."  It is these friends that have made me feel like having another baby someday just might be okay. And so, as one suggested, I've been lifting my family up in prayer.  I've been asking for the desire to have another baby someday.  Right now, I honestly don't have it.  Right now, I'm overcome with fear and anxiety about how bringing another baby into this world would affect my little girl and my husband and of course me. This is where I am right now.

I write all of this for a few reasons. 

The first reason: I know I am not the only other momma out there who has walked this road.  I know I'm not the only other woman who has journeyed through PPD and then gone on to struggle with wanting (or not wanting) a bigger family.  And yet, some days I do feel utterly alone.  When I am at play group and the mom sitting across from me just had her first baby a year ago and is already pregnant with her second....yeah, I feel alone. When I hear of friends who were pregnant along with me three years ago, and are already two kids ahead of me and on to their third baby. Yes, I feel alone. So here I am saying it.  For anyone out there who stumbles upon this blog and can identify with anything I have written... you aren't alone.  I feel it too sister.

The second reason: I know there are those out there who look at me with judgement and can't fathom why I wouldn't want to bring  a second baby into our home. Honestly, this is the most frustrating lecture to get from family, friends, fellow employees, little old lady at the grocery store...

You haven't walked in my shoes.  You haven't held my hand along this journey.  You look in from the outside and you don't have a clue.  So please, refrain from judging me.  Instead of believing that I could be making a mistake by not further procreating, please choose to look at the little family I have now as beautiful.  And if this is all I ever have, this little family of 3 (and an outrageously furry cat), then I will love my life. And, I will always think my family is beautiful.