A Little Bit Of Coffee...And A Whole Lotta' Jesus

Last night I sat bleary eyed on the living room couch, my husband next to me holding our wailing toddler.  This midnight rendezvous was certainly not what I had in mind when I put the kids to bed at 8 pm and soon followed myself.  But yet, here we found ourselves at three different points last night between 10:30 and midnight. Our franticness went something like this:

(Insert baby screaming)
"Is it an ear infection?  He's tugging his ears!  It has GOT to be another ear infection.  Quick, grab the garlic oil and the lavender!
(Minutes pass...)
"Oh babe, he's rubbing his belly.  It must be his belly.  Put some of the Digestzen on his belly.  No?Not your belly Levi? Baby, what is wrong?" 
(Screaming escalates...)
"Ohhh, he's hungry!  Yeah that's it... gotta' be it..."
(As I begin to fumble through our cabinets and refrigerator searching for something quick to shove at the little couch tyrant...)

Sometime after midnight we finally sunk it to bed.  I laid there for what seemed like hours just listening for the faint sounds of Levi's stirring that might send us right back to the couch begging for answers. 

At some point I realized as I was lying in bed that I was so tense that my fists were clenched into tight, little balls. As I lay there trying to relax, trying to breathe out the tension and allow myself to sleep, I began to pray, "PLEASE Lord, please. Give us answers.  Heal my baby.  Help me to know what to do for him."  I just prayed and prayed and prayed.

So many similar prayers have been echoed from my lips since I began my motherhood journey.  There were the days and nights after bringing Mackenzie home to our teeny Chicago apartment.  I remember her as a ticking time bomb.  You never knew when she was going to sleep or for how long.  I prayed deliriously for answers then.  There were the years of feeling helpless when we didn't know how to help heal her little body from the food that was causing her so much pain.  And those months after Levi was born where I fought so hard through the pain of feeding him and I prayed and prayed that God would make a way for me to feed my baby the way I so desired to feed him. Then there was last winter when he had ear infection after ear infection and he just cried every single day for hours. 

So much of my motherhood journey has been filled with questions and unknowns and exasperated middle of the night teary prayers.

I find it no coincidence that last night as I was at my lowest point I came across this instagram post from Gina Zeidler and the timing was just so dead on that I felt like I had to share:

"Hardest part of motherhood.  The uncertainties. The millions of could it be this?  Or this?  Or that?  I know in my head that I have a God in heaven that is certain and doesn't change, but on days where I am completely sleep deprived and am fighting not to just fall into a puddle.  I get so mad and just upset at my failure.  My body and heart want to run to being hard.  I find it hard to see or hear JESUS.  Tonight off to the doctors office to rule out some more what ifs and trying to praise God for even the smallest of wins. , even though I feel like the ripped up paper on this table.  Lord use this brokenness.  Help me be ok with these hard days.  Help melt my heart of stone into your arms.  I just can't do it on my own.  I often hesitate at sharing hard things because I am afraid that I'll be judged or people will think I am not capable.  But the truth is I am human.  Made to need a savior.  I just need to proclaim that no matter how life looks on social media...alone I am not enough.  I don't have it all together.  I physically, emotionally, spiritually cannot do anything of any good without Him.  Trying to burn these impossible days into my mind as road signs signaling to where I need to fill up my tank.  The only place it can truly be filled.  Every hour I need thee.  Lord help me see this as such a blessing not a failure. No problem I have is too big for you."

Can I get an Amen?  Thank you Gina for such beautiful honesty and for sharing your heart.  Such a great testament to how our words can bring light for others in the darkest of places, which is what I'm pretty sure Gina and I were both feeling last night.

My friend Kristin recently encouraged me by sharing that the blessing of parenting is not always that it is easy or enjoyable.  The blessing is in that it makes us more holy, more like Christ. 

All the exasperated midnight prayers-- they've drawn me closer to Him.  They've made me rely on Him.

That anger I hashed out as I walked through 18 months of postpartum depression--that anger was healed by HIM.

Those tears I cried in the months after losing our second baby-- those tears are what drew me to Him and to His word and to His promises for my life and my little family's future. 

I love deeper since giving birth to my babies. 

I have experienced more joy than I ever imagined possible since becoming a momma. 

I am daily seeking peace and healing of my hurts and wounds because I know that they directly affect my kids. 

Man, Have I ever learned to be more patient since having kids.  It's a fruit they are always helping me to prune and grow.  While I'm impatient and inconvenienced by the woman in front of me at the grocery store, so are they.  But it is my job to teach my kids what it means to be patient.  And so, I learn too.

I'm not perfect, I'm not always kind.  But I pray that I can be an example to my children of what kindness and faithfulness to others and to my own self looks like.  Because its the example from me that they are going to take out into the world and live out in their own lives. 

To have self control.  It's a practice I preach daily but don't always get right.  I scold my kids for not having enough of it.  Meanwhile, I'm learning with them what it means to have it. 

The blessing in parenting is in that it makes us more holy, more like Christ. 

While I'm incredibly grateful for friends who have "been there" and for books and websites that help me to navigate all of the unknowns of parenting-- I just might be more thankful for the moments on my momma journey where I'm just completely and utterly lost.  When I'm at my wits end and I'm left to surrender.  Because it is in those moments that I really turn to Jesus--that I let Him be my portion and my strength.  A strength that I know is the most sustainable.