Not Waving The White Flag

"The more I share, the more light is poured out over my story and the less power Satan has."

 

These were words that speaker/author Rebekah Lyons spoke this past weekend at the Women's Forever Conference hosted by Red Rocks Church.  As she spoke, a fire that's been growing in my heart ignited to a full on burn.

 

I remember sitting in a Bible study not too long ago where I nervously expressed what I thought was going to be unique to me.  As each of us women sat cross legged, coffee mugs in hand, I shared my confession.

 

"Growing up I was always the girl to have her heart broken by friends....not boyfriends."

 

There.  I said it. 

 

Imagine my surprise when every other woman in that circle looked at me, some of them laughed at my naivety, they all nodded heavily in agreement murmuring, "Uh huh. Yeah, me too..." 

 

I left that day wondering how it is that I came through childhood, teenage and college years and into adulthood not really realizing just how widespread insecurity, hurt and brokenness are among women.  I left slightly relieved, having realized for the first time in probably forever, that something wasn't actually wrong with me.  But I also left with this feeling deep down in the pit of my stomach that something just wasn't right.

 

I know most of you know my story of postpartum depression and how I came through it.  I won't go through all of that again now.  What I will say is that, that was a season of my life where I didn't feel known.  In fact, I often felt invisible.  Since then, I've had this growing desire to really know and be known.   I've felt this burden to break down the walls of insecurity among women and to find true, authentic friendships. 

 

I'm looking for friendships with women who are excited to rejoice in the celebrations of life but also aren't going to run from the ugly, messy parts that are pervaded by parenting meltdowns, naughty children, broken marriages, messy homes, sickness and sin. 

 

The only problem is....women scare the absolute hell out of me. 

 

I don't think I realized just how much women still scare me until I was surrounded by 800 + of them at this past weekend's conference.  I was managing to hold my insecurities at bay until Friday night. 

 

 

Rebekah Lyons has a real gift in speaking God's truth to women and I don't think there was a single person in that room who didn't feel the presence of the Holy Spirit that night.  Women were crying all around me, hugging one another, praying over each other.  Many were going to the front for prayer, others were raising there hands in worship.  God's presence was tangible.

 

But I just stood there.  I was scared out of my mind. 

 

As soon as the closing prayer was finished I practically ran to my car.  I climbed inside, locked the doors and proceeded to just lose it, my tears and guttural wailing competed with the rain as it beat down on my car windshield. 

 

You see, Rebekah's message was powerful and electric.  It was exactly what I knew God wanted me to hear that night.  She spoke on recognizing calling and finding purpose.  She told us that to find our calling we have to combine our birth right gifts with our burdens.

 

My gift of writing.  And my burden for brokenness and authenticity among women.

 

But there was more going on in that crowded room that night.  There was a battle going on for my own heart.  While God was speaking incredible truth to me from Rebekah's lips, Satan was speaking just as audibly. 

 

Telling me lies. That I'm still not good enough.  That I'll never have authentic friendships.  That I'm not worth authentic friendships.  That my words don't matter.  That I should quit writing because no one really wants to hear what I have to say. 

 

And at some point in my car that night, through my ugly cry, I just became angry.  Furious, actually.  I pulled out a pen and paper and I began to scribble. I cried out to God requesting deliverance from the lies, all the while penning a hate letter to Satan.  I begged God to bind and banish Satan and to remove from him any ability to tamper with the dreams that have been placed in my heart.

 

Because that's what's really going on.  I feel it deep down in my soul.  I believe that God has big plans for me.  That He desires to use me to reach women who really need to hear truth spoken to them.  To be reminded of how much God loves them, that they are valued, have worth and are seen.

 

And Satan doesn't want that.  So he's going to do everything in his power to take me back to square one.  To make me fearful of the women I know I am called to reach.  To stop me dead in my tracks before I can form authentic friendships.  That's what he was trying to do in that room on Friday night.  I stood there, surrounded by women, fearful, cowering and intimidated. Nearly everything in me wanted to wave the white flag of surrender. 

 

But something else Rebekah said was ringing loud and clear in my car that night.  She quoted 1 John 4:18, "There is no fear in love.  But perfect love drives out fear."

 

I have to believe that God's perfect love for me is going to continue to heal my brokenness and to fend off Satan's lies.  His love for me and His desire for me to fulfill His purpose for my life is going to transcend all of Satan's attempts to bring me back to a place of shrinking and hiding from other women. 

 

I won't do it.  I lived in that place for too long and I'm not going to go back.  I'm going to beat this insecurity and I'm going to keep writing and speaking truth.  I'm going to continue to speak God's truth to myself. 

 

Because my dreams are worth it. 

 

I am worth it. 

 

My desire for deep authentic community with other women -- worth it. 

 

So hear me now Satan, if it takes a battle, I AM willing to fight. Just go ahead and bring it.

 

"The more I share, the more light is poured out over my story and the less power Satan has."