Little Mountain Momma: Don't Blink

I have a theory. There are two types of people when the New Year rolls around. There are those who have been on their knees praying for and counting down the days and minutes until the ball drop and the sparklers can come out. The promise of a new year means a blank Hobby Lobby chalk board to write out goals and a fresh start to erase mistakes from the past year. Oh, and lots of fruity cocktail drinks (or milk and cookies if you're my kids).

And there are those hanging onto the kite tails, heels dug in, being straight up dragged into the New Year. I must confess, I've totally been this girl lately.

Our family's 2015 was characterized by a lot of grief. We lost our cat Belmont, our daddy bunny and 3 baby bunnies. We said goodbye to two grandparents and also lost a baby. And especially after the loss of our baby, it has at times felt as though my grief is the only thing still connecting me to this little life.

You would think that, after this type of year, I would be more than ready for the promise of a fresh start and a blank slate. But for me, looking ahead to a new year, of moving on and starting fresh has somehow seemed more bitter than sweet. Part of me feels like a new year means moving on without our baby and letting his little life become a thing of the past. I've realized that I have to be careful that I don't just magically expect my heart to be healed because of a new calendar year. It's got to be okay for some of my grieving to spill over into a new year. It is okay for you too if you've also been feeling a similar heart tug.

1 Thessalonians 4:13 tells Christians to grieve with hope. I'm clinging to this verse as I look forward to the new year. I can't help but think there are some other mommas out there who've been hesitant to move forward as well. Let's grieve our losses of 2015 and move forward together in hope. Hope for a year of healing and redemption in our stories. Let's place our hope in the Father heart of a God who loves us and wants to see joy return to our eyes. Let's grieve with hope mommas.

Another side to the ringing in of the New Year is the chance to look forward to exciting upcoming events; to make goals and wishes for what is to come. The danger I see for myself though is that I sometimes wish my present life away as I'm yearning for the new. I've found this to be true as we've been trying to grow our family for the past half a year.

I find myself counting down my present time while waiting for a better time. Maybe you do this too?

Our family will feel complete when we hold our next baby. I'll be the happiest I've ever been when that last credit card is finally paid off. I can really relax if I can just make it to that big vacation we've been anticipating. When I'm done with school my life will really start. When this baby weight is finally gone I'll celebrate by buying myself a new wardrobe. This week -- this is the week we're going to successfully potty train. I'll forgive her when she finally comes to her senses and apologizes.

You see, we live in a world where there are two different types of time. There's Chronos time and then there's Kairos time. In her short essay Don't Carpe Diem, best selling author Glennon Melton Doyle explains the difference between them,

"There are two different types of time. Chronos time is what we live in. It's regular time, it's one minute at a time, it's staring down the clock till bedtime time, it's ten excruciating minutes in the Target line time, it's four screaming minutes in time out time, it's two hours till daddy gets home time. Chronos is the hard, slow passing time we parents often live in.

Then there's Kairos time. Kairos is God's time. It's time outside of time. It's metaphysical time. It's those magical moments in which time stands still. I have a few of those moments each day. And I cherish them." (Glennon Doyle Melton)

Jesse Davis of Red Rock's Church calls Kairos "The golden moment" -- the moment that, if we aren't looking for and expecting, we will miss and it will be lost forever.

You see friends, I've realized through my year of practicing intentionality, that I spend so much of my life counting down the Chronos, the slow going minutes of every day mundane life, that while I'm waiting for the Kairos moments I BELIEVE God should be bringing me, I miss the Kairos moments that are happening now.

The most tangible and honest example I can give you is that I've been waiting for the moment I'll finally hold my third baby and all the while missing Kairos moments with the two babies I have.

Kairos will be my "word" for 2016. I desire to continue practicing intentionality, and in doing so my hope is to embrace the Kairos. To look for those golden moments, the once in a lifetime moments, and bask in them. Because once these moments are gone, they are gone forever.

Kairos moments are those moments that stand still in our minds like book marks between the pages of our life's stories. They play out like a photo real, flashing quickly through, highlighting the most significant and life changing moments of 2015.

It is Valentine's Day and my husband is reading through the boxes of cards and letters that we wrote to one another back when we were 13. The flashes of light on his face and in the eyes of our children as he recounts our love story.

It is late April, and I am running along the Coast of Big Sur, California. I am smelling the salt of the sea and I am pumping my legs along mile 25 and listening to the voices behind me cheer, "Remember why you are running. Think of your sister. Don't stop!" I am crossing the finish line and am told I've shaved 30 minutes off of my personal record. The flood of emotions in that moment as I embrace my husband and our friends Gayle and Jason who have flown to support me. That Kairos moment is one that will remain with me for the rest of my life.

It is drinking margaritas at a little roadside Taco Bar in Sausalito during a week of exploring San Francisco with precious friends. The laughter and sounds and tastes and the pure joy of that night will be etched vividly into my mind forever.

It is Heidi's back porch along the foothills in late summer with 6 momma friends. We are eating Lemon Blueberry Cheesecake and savoring the last days of summer. It is deep sense of feeling loved and believing more than ever that God has brought me 2 am friends I have been praying for.

It is September and I am holding a positive pregnancy test. I am bewildered and overwhelmed and I know this moment will change me. And I am wondering, am I ready for this change? To be a momma to three little ones?

And then I am sitting on the side of our tub seeing red and praying for miracles and holding on to hope for the life inside of me.

It is pouring my grief onto paper and watching the words of my heart go viral in my most vulnerable blog post, reaching thousands of women. It is realizing that even the most painful Kairos moments are meant to bring life. That sometimes, we are called to walk through the valley of the shadow of death if it means bringing life to others. And so, for the Kairos moments of September, I am oddly grateful.

All of these moments are once in a lifetime. Sure, some of them may be recreated. But not with the purity that experiencing these moments when they first happen would bring. We must catch them in Kairos time, at just the right time.

You see, I'm beginning to understand that we have been chosen for this life. This life. It doesn't always look like we would have imagined. It doesn't always feel how we think it should. We are surprised by the messiness of life...that it does not always come packaged perfectly with a bow on top. We grieve and our insides ache in ways we didn't know possible. And yet, I believe that even these moments are holy. Even these moments are Kairos moments.

So this year, I'll be operating more on Kairos time and less on Chronos time. I'll be looking for the "breathe deep and inhale moments." The "blink and you'll miss it moments." The warm fuzzy ones and the ones that have me on my knees, crying out for healing and deliverance and growth.

I'm so excited to share all the God reveals and teaches me in 2016. I hope you'll follow me along for this journey.