Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus

I have a confession to make: Last night, I collapsed in a puddle into my husband's arms, the second he walked in the door from work. Not because of our mountains of laundry that never seem to lessen or because of needy kids whose requests never let up throughout the day. Not because a messy home or because of one child's endless pursuit to take me out. (This youngest child shall remain nameless to respect her reputation as future leader of the world). Ha!

No, I collapsed into a blubbering mess because the overwhelming task of raising tiny humans in this world is downright SCARY. I can not sign onto facebook without being inundated with Coronavirus warnings and threats to stock up my pantry. In a moment of weakness I did an Amazon search and the price of hospital face masks is up to SEVENTY DOLLARS a pack. Yesterday I read a post on a friend's wall telling me to take my kids out of public schools because the government is after them and vaccines are of the devil. My next door neighbor believes that I'm destroying the ozone because I start my car in the mornings before I load my kids up. And, I thought very seriously about canceling our family adventure to go see the Beach Boys in concert this Summer because I couldn't think of a better place for a mass shooting to occur.

Look, I'm not denying that vaccines are harmful and I'm not saying we shouldn't be petitioning on the steps of the Capitol Building to advocate for our rights and the protection of our families. I'm not saying that my neighbor is crazy and that she's one step away from being sucked into some unknown layer of the Ozone. (Okay, I maybe AM saying that). I'm not saying that it wouldn't be wise to stock up on elderberry syrup and extra pantry supplies or that I shouldn't think twice before taking our family to a large public outing.

But what I am saying quite literally is this:

KEEP ME NEAR THE CROSS LORD JESUS. You guys, I am DONE. I am not usually an anxious person. I have been honest in sharing that I struggle chronically with bouts of depression. But, anxiety is generally not a huge "thing" for me. Lately though, I have been so burdened and overcome by the anxiety and the seemingly impossible MOUNTAIN of a task that is before me. HOW do I raise healthy, well rounded, kind and selfless humans in a world that is downright terrifying to me? How do I make informed and educated decisions about how to protect their bodies and their minds and hearts without allowing my own JOY to be stolen and trampled on by fear of the unknown and fear that I'm going to make or not make a decision that might alter the course of their little lives?

I was reminded in reading Genesis 3 today that after Adam and Eve sinned, God came looking for them and He asked, "Where are you?" He didn't physically want to know where they were. Because, He's God, and of course he knew exactly where they were physically hiding. No, he was asking "Where are your hearts?" "Why are you HIDING from me?" I was humbly reminded of how often I hide when I am ashamed, or fearful or feel utterly helpless.

I hop on social media to mindlessly scroll through Facebook and (surprise, surprise), I sign off more anxious than ever. I turn on the Bachelor to numb myself and get lost in the insane drama of catty women and a downright douche bag of a man. Hello, Peter. I hop on Amazon Prime and I search for hospital face masks or Easter outfits-- depending on which end of the stress pendulum I'm swinging towards in that moment. I tune out the voice of God or I silence my own thoughts by throwing on an audio book or a podcast. Anything to hide and avoid and numb what's really going on in my heart. Anything to avoid really seeking God in the middle of life's HARD and messy and broken places.

So this morning, I humbly came before Jesus, broken and with hands spread out in an offering of surrender. I offered Him my heart and I told Him everything I've been feeling and I asked for Him to renew His place on the throne and in JESUS' NAME to take back all fear and anxiety and power.

"Jesus, I am SCARED. I am afraid and I don't know how to put one step in front of the other. I don't know how to be a good wife and momma without fear taking over. I NEED you to lead me and guide me EVERY day, every hour and every minute. The thief may come to steal, kill and destroy, but I need YOU to surround our home with LOVE and JOY and PEACE. I need YOU to be my guide. Show me how to guard my heart so that I am not letting unnecessary fear take over. But, give me WISDOM in knowing when it is wise to take action to protect and advocate for my family. I need you Jesus."

If you're in my shoes and you're feeling overwhelmed and anxious today, my prayer is that you will be encouraged to know that you are not alone. I feel you. I am walking this same uncertain and scary road. I hope that today you can step into this place of humble surrender with me. I hope that you will borrow my prayer as your own and that you will insert your own fears and anxieties and questions. My prayer is that Jesus will draw near to both of us and that minute by minute, second by second, we will lean and turn our eyes to HIM to be our source of perspective and to renew our joy. We are not dependent on friends or family members to be this source of truth for us. We are not reliant on our government or politicians for their wisdom and direction. The inundation of facts and perspectives from podcasts or instastories don't have the final say.

All of these might have value but at the end of the day, if looking to them is creating more anxiety and less peace and less JOY, there's ONE we probably missed in the mix of it all and that is MORE turning our eyes upon Jesus.

Love, Brittany