A Family Update & A New Adventure

Family & Friends, this is not an easy post to share. By nature I tend to be an "oversharer", (hello, enneagram 2 🖐), but in this case, I have been in such a vulnerable place and everything in me wants to hold the details of our family's last three months close to my heart. I ultimately decided to share, because in an ugly place of feeling sorry for myself, I heard God give me the answer to something I've been crying out for desperately the past few months. "Is there really a greater purpose to my pain? And if so, please God, show me."

Most of you know that pregnancy loss is a part of our family. I've shared openly about our losses both after Mackenzie and Levi. These were difficult seasons for us but we can look back now and see how God's hand was in every part of our story and the growing of our family. Neither Levi or Evie would be here today had we not lost those babies.

We thought we were done at 3 healthy babies but earlier this year we got the surprise of a lifetime when we found out we were unexpectedly pregnant and due this fall. After the initial shock we were all absolutely overjoyed. All three kids were so excited to make their little trio a foursome. Then, we were devastated to go in for our first ultrasound, to see a baby with a beating heart and to be told that our baby's heart was slowing down and likely wouldn't make it. To say we were crushed would be an understatement. Never before have God's plans felt so confusing. So messed up. So cruel and lacking compassion. Did we hear wrong? Did we do something wrong? Why show us a baby with a beating heart only for us to be told to go home and wait for our baby to die? These are questions I have wrestled with every day for the past 3 months.

After our first loss earlier this year, we decided that the blessing in it all was that God must be confirming that, yes, he wants for us to have four babies. We were surprised (albeit, very anxious) to find out we were pregnant again. And again, we went in for our first ultrasound to be told that this time, a gestational sack had grown but that our baby had never grown at all. Again, we were devastated. The Christmas baby we had spent so many hours dreaming about and planning for wouldn't be joining our family.

This has been a season of real wrestling with my faith. Is God who He says He is? Is He truly a God of compassion and love? Why does He create life if His plan is for me to bleed death down the drain of our shower? Are His thoughts and plans really, truly good when all along, He knows that my baby's life will be summed up in a matter of a few short weeks? Did He truly cry with me on the day that I logged onto my Amazon prime to click "add to cart", a tiny urn, to hold the baby that we would bury in our backyard? Why is He okay with me shivering in an ER as the remaining tissues of a baby that He created are sucked and scraped out of my body? Where is God to answer questions when our 7- year-old son asks, "Why does God let all our babies die?" Is an army of praying believers really enough to bring about a miracle? Because, we have had a literal army of friends and family members on their knees, storming Heaven's gates for us for 3 months, and all it feels like we've been left with is shattered dreams and hearts.

I am learning that the grieving and the sadness and the anger is good and even holy. I am learning that even if I don't understand what God is doing, I am exactly where He wants me. I am surrendered and my heart is broken more than it has ever been, and yet, I have never needed Him more than I do now. I am learning that if there wasn't this tension, the tension of not fully understanding God and His heart, I would stop seeking Him. If I understood everything and could put a definite answer to all of my pain and suffering, I would no longer have a need for God. And that, is why there is beauty in the tension. Because as long as there are questions, I keep finding myself at His feet.

Earlier this month, I was in another repeated cycle of feeling sorry for myself when I felt like He finally spoke. He didn't answer my questions of WHY we keep losing our babies or of why we now have more dead babies than living babies. But He did remind me that I'm not the only one hurting.

I started to think about how hard due dates are. The due dates of the babies I have lost have been some of the hardest days of my life. Long after our losses, these dates loom on a calendar and the closer they come, the more I dread them. The day that should have been a day of joy and anticipation of holding my baby against my chest and breathing in the smell of life, is replaced by a day that sits heavy on my heart. Life spins madly on but no one remembers due dates. Spouses don't remember and friends don't think of them. Understandably so, because months have passed. On the day of our baby's due dates, we as loss Mommas aren't watching a clock, anxiously waiting for our water to break or for labor to start. We still have to work and care for other children and go on living life. We should be carrying a giant basketball of a belly instead of a broken heart. Instead we grieve silently and we remember and keep those memories close to our hearts. I know I'm not the only one who dreads the due dates of my babies in Heaven.

And so, came about the idea for Ezra & Evie, an Etsy shop I am designing around honoring Mommas of pregnancy, baby loss and infertility. This shop is still in the early planning stages but my vision is to provide various sized gift boxes of locally packaged and thoughtfully planned gifts that can be sent to loved ones and friends who have either just experienced a loss or are anticipating an impeding due date.

I can't tell you how many times I have had women reach out to me and ask, "How can I best support my friend who just lost her baby?" And every single time I emphatically tell them, "Find out her due date and remember it. Honor her baby on that day even if it is 7 months from now. Make sure you get it on the calendar." And almost every single time I give this answer, I am met with surprise.

I am certain that God's hand is written all over this new adventure because earlier this week while sitting on our back patio and doing the early research and planning, our umbrella fell on top of me and smashed our Macbook Computer. It was as if Satan caught wind of hope rising up within me for the first time in months and thought, "I'll end this right here." Well, we've got a massive deductible to pay and a computer that is out of commission for a while but I'm sharing today that Satan ins't going to stop me from moving forward in this plan to bless hurting Mommas. As hard as the past 3 months have been on my heart, I will continue to believe that a powerful testimony is enough to triumph over the enemy and I believe that in this season, opening a shop is the way God is calling me to share my testimony and to help other Mommas feel more seen.

I have no idea what the future looks like for our family. These days I have more questions than I do answers. I wish I could end this post smoothly by tying it with a pretty bow but the truth is, life is often more messy and hard than it is pretty and put together and Pinterest worthy. And, this is just where we are right now. We are hurting and broken and we feel a little less complete as a family than we did coming into the New Year. I was hesitant to share any of the details of our family's year so far because often times Social Media can become a place where we watch others hurting from the sidelines and we feel pity for them. I don't want pity. If we never grow our family again and the best way we glorify God here on earth is through the Baker Trio, I will be grateful beyond measure. If my little shop ends up sending only one box to a Momma somewhere, whose heart is hurting and she needs to feel seen, then the broken computer and sleepless nights of planning were worth it.

To all of our friends and family members who lave literally been on your knees for us, have showed up with meals and sent flowers, ordered us groceries, left coffee on our doorstep, delivered brownies, toys and games for the kids, have said "screw it" to covid isolation requirements to help watch our kiddos, have offered to show up and pray in parking lots during ultrasounds and to argue with medical technicians over results and policies, my gosh there are truly no ways to properly say, "thank you". Our family has never felt so loved by our community and the body of Christ. We love you guys more than you could ever know.

Thank you for being our tribe.

Love, Brittany