"As for me, I've chosen to follow a simple course; come clean. And wherever possible, live your life in a way that won't leave you tempted to lie. Failing that, I'd rather be disliked for who I truly am than loved for who I am not. So I tell my story. I write it down. I even publish it. Sometimes this is a humbling experience. Sometimes it's embarrassing. But I haul around no terrible secrets." - Joyce Maynard "For Writers: Writing for Health"
When I began this blog a year ago, I had no intention of airing out my dirty laundry. I was looking for a fresh start. I wanted something that would be therapeutic for me and a place that I could post DIY projects and pictures of my kid. And it has been that. But it has also been so much more. At some point I began to write about real life. About my real life. And at some point, all inhibitions were thrown out the window. At the same time I was exploring this new comfort level of writing, I also began to discover other blogs and sites written by mothers who have been experiencing the joys and pains of motherhood like me. And many of them aren't afraid to write about the tough nitty gritty parts. These women have been absolutely inspiring. Freeing for me really. I've discovered a network of friends and allies I didn't know even existed.
In her blog Laughing Through Motherhood, Melinda writes in one of her recent posts, "I used to receive a lot of comments (that I never approved, because they hurt so bad) that consisted of the following: "What if your daughter grows up and reads this? What if your son reads this? The internet is forever. Your kids will hate you if they find out you ever felt this way. I feel so sorry for them. I want to adopt them. You are so lucky to be pregnant when there are so many infertile couples who would kill for a baby. Guess what? Fuck that. You know what a depressed woman in the deepest, loneliest hole of her life needs? Support. Love. Understanding. You know what I got? None of that. You know where I found it? Other people's blogs. That's why I'm back, and I'm ready to talk about it. I want to get this out of my system, and if someone out there going through the same thing finds this, I want her to know she's not alone. Because loneliness is the worst feeling ever."
And, while I probably won't be using such colorful language in my future posts, in a sense, I applaud Melinda for telling it how it really is. There have been times in my journey over the past three years that the closest people in my life just have not been there. And then there have been others that have come out of the nowhere and have surprisingly been there through it all. It's incredible to me really. But I'm really not writing today to rehash bad memories and old hurts. I'm writing because I've been inspired. By the blogger moms like Melinda and other Warrior Moms out there who aren't afraid to admit that they've been through some tough times. These moms are the moms I connect with because they are transparent and real.
And so, I guess my blogging style has probably taken a turn for the better (I hope). I will still post DIY projects and fun pictures of life with our little family. But I plan to post more of my writing. Of my heart. I hope I don't scare some of my readers off, but if I do, that's okay. And will my daughter someday read my posts? I hope so. I hope she reads my words and that she sees a mom who was honest and real. I hope she is inspired by my love for life, for her and for other people. I hope that she can see deeply into the wounds of my heart and painful parts of life but that she can see how good can come from pain. And I hope she takes my honesty and uses it for her own good and the good of those around her.
I love Joyce Maynard's quote. She writes, "I'd rather be disliked for who I truly am than loved for who I am not." And that's where I am in my life. I'm so exhausted from trying to maintain an image for myself and others. I'm going to share what's really on my heart and hope that you'll come along for the ride...
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