Saturday, March 14, 2020

Creating a Safe Home in a World That is Unsafe

In a recent counseling session I told my counselor that I have a vision of my home being a safe haven for our family. A home where, at the end of a long day, my husband can enjoy a warm meal, relax in a clean home and leave the stress of his work day at the door. A home where my kids can enter after a long day at school, they can walk through our front door and know they will be fully accepted and loved and can feel peace ... all while eating warm chocolate chip cookies straight from the oven.

Sounds amazing....AND incredibly unrealistic. Very "Pottery Barn Pinter-esque". I just made up a new 2020 phrase and I think it fits.

My counselor asked me “Brittany, what threatens this dream of your home being a “safe haven”? I began to rattle off things like, “When the kids fight.” “When someone gets sick.” “When my husband feels extra stress from clients and he can’t leave that stress at work.” "When we have unexpected vet bills." “When I burn the cookies”.

You see, the problem with this vision is that it doesn’t allow grace for the fact that our home is FULL of sinners. Our home is by it's very nature, broken. If I hold too tightly to this vision, I’m expecting perfection from imperfect people and I actually create an environment that feels threatening and creates an expectation of perfection.

I create the expectation on myself that I have to MAKE things perfect and I also foster attitudes of entitlement within my children when they come to expect perfection and they don't receive it.

This vision doesn’t allow for my kids and husband or even myself to experience pain, anger, frustration, heartache, brokenness or sin.

My counselor pointed out that by allowing my children to fight, by giving my husband the space to feel stressed, by showing myself grace for a messy home or an adult temper tantrum or burned cookies, I’m actually creating the “safe haven” that I so greatly desire.

My family should know that in our home, we allow fighting. We allow anger and stress and anxiety. We embrace our messy brokenness without judgement. We choose forgiveness and we model grace to ourselves and each other even on the days where someone has the stomach flu, half the puzzle pieces are missing, dad has lost his temper and one kid is streaking through the house naked.

I share all of this with you because we are in an especially hard season as a family. This vision of my home as a “safe haven” feels threatened often minute to minute. And, with the added stress of school closures and the panic going on outside of the walls of our home, we’re going to be spending LOTS of quality time together over the next several months. I get to decide what I want the next several months to look like and how I want our time as a family in this season of extra closeness to be remembered.

This morning a friend reminded me that, “The world can feel chaotic but our homes don’t have to.” This seems counter-intuitive when I’m sharing that I want my kids to feel free to fight and that I want the grace for myself to have a bad day. Just by admitting this, it feels like I'm inviting chaos into our home.

I think the point is that WE SET THE TONE in our homes for what FEELS like chaos. If we as parents react to every high pitched scream, every whine, every tantrum, every little thing that throws off our day, we DO create a sense of chaos inside the walls of our home. When we CREATE the sense of chaos, then the dream for our “safe haven” IS threatened because our home is no safer than standing in the middle of mass hysteria at our local grocery store.

However, if we choose to breathe deep through the bickering, to redirect when we’re at one another’s throats, to throw impromptu dance parties in the kitchen in our underwear, to play endless amounts of board games and to laugh when one kid is a sore loser, rather than becoming angry because the vision for a "picture perfect" afternoon has gone ary...It is only then that the energy in our homes feel SAFE for the ones that we love.

And so, I am working on training my brain to think quite a bit differently about what a "safe haven" within the walls of our home can and should look like.

It doesn't need to be home with stain free couches and perfectly plumped throw pillows and fresh baked cookies on the counter. It doesn't need to be a home free from fighting or potty training accidents or nap boycotts. We don't need to be a Stepford family that feels the need to walk on eggshells around one another to all be happy.

A "safe haven" can AND should be a home where we each feel accepted and loved in spite of sin. Safe to feel allll the emotions. Safe to ugly cry. Safe to be messy. Safe to be humble and willing to ask for forgiveness on the really ugly days when we've hurt one another and need a fresh start. I am coming to believe that with this perspective in mind, our homes in all of their messy, chaotic glory, can STILL feel like a safe haven from an outside world that is broken and scary.

Love, Brittany

Tuesday, March 3, 2020

Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus

I have a confession to make: Last night, I collapsed in a puddle into my husband's arms, the second he walked in the door from work. Not because of our mountains of laundry that never seem to lessen or because of needy kids whose requests never let up throughout the day. Not because a messy home or because of one child's endless pursuit to take me out. (This youngest child shall remain nameless to respect her reputation as future leader of the world). Ha!
No, I collapsed into a blubbering mess because the overwhelming task of raising tiny humans in this world is downright SCARY. I can not sign onto facebook without being inundated with Coronavirus warnings and threats to stock up my pantry. In a moment of weakness I did an Amazon search and the price of hospital face masks is up to SEVENTY DOLLARS a pack. Yesterday I read a post on a friend's wall telling me to take my kids out of public schools because the government is after them and vaccines are of the devil. My next door neighbor believes that I'm destroying the ozone because I start my car in the mornings before I load my kids up. And, I thought very seriously about canceling our family adventure to go see the Beach Boys in concert this Summer because I couldn't think of a better place for a mass shooting to occur.
Look, I'm not denying that vaccines are harmful and I'm not saying we shouldn't be petitioning on the steps of the Capitol Building to advocate for our rights and the protection of our families. I'm not saying that my neighbor is crazy and that she's one step away from being sucked into some unknown layer of the Ozone. (Okay, I maybe AM saying that). I'm not saying that it wouldn't be wise to stock up on elderberry syrup and extra pantry supplies or that I shouldn't think twice before taking our family to a large public outing.
But what I am saying quite literally is this:
KEEP ME NEAR THE CROSS LORD JESUS. You guys, I am DONE. I am not usually an anxious person. I have been honest in sharing that I struggle chronically with bouts of depression. But, anxiety is generally not a huge "thing" for me. Lately though, I have been so burdened and overcome by the anxiety and the seemingly impossible MOUNTAIN of a task that is before me. HOW do I raise healthy, well rounded, kind and selfless humans in a world that is downright terrifying to me? How do I make informed and educated decisions about how to protect their bodies and their minds and hearts without allowing my own JOY to be stolen and trampled on by fear of the unknown and fear that I'm going to make or not make a decision that might alter the course of their little lives?
I was reminded in reading Genesis 3 today that after Adam and Eve sinned, God came looking for them and He asked, "Where are you?" He didn't physically want to know where they were. Because, He's God, and of course he knew exactly where they were physically hiding. No, he was asking "Where are your hearts?" "Why are you HIDING from me?" I was humbly reminded of how often I hide when I am ashamed, or fearful or feel utterly helpless.
I hop on social media to mindlessly scroll through Facebook and (surprise, surprise), I sign off more anxious than ever. I turn on the Bachelor to numb myself and get lost in the insane drama of catty women and a downright douche bag of a man. Hello, Peter. I hop on Amazon Prime and I search for hospital face masks or Easter outfits-- depending on which end of the stress pendulum I'm swinging towards in that moment. I tune out the voice of God or I silence my own thoughts by throwing on an audio book or a podcast. Anything to hide and avoid and numb what's really going on in my heart. Anything to avoid really seeking God in the middle of life's HARD and messy and broken places.
So this morning, I humbly came before Jesus, broken and with hands spread out in an offering of surrender. I offered Him my heart and I told Him everything I've been feeling and I asked for Him to renew His place on the throne and in JESUS' NAME to take back all fear and anxiety and power.
"Jesus, I am SCARED. I am afraid and I don't know how to put one step in front of the other. I don't know how to be a good wife and momma without fear taking over. I NEED you to lead me and guide me EVERY day, every hour and every minute. The thief may come to steal, kill and destroy, but I need YOU to surround our home with LOVE and JOY and PEACE. I need YOU to be my guide. Show me how to guard my heart so that I am not letting unnecessary fear take over. But, give me WISDOM in knowing when it is wise to take action to protect and advocate for my family. I need you Jesus."
If you're in my shoes and you're feeling overwhelmed and anxious today, my prayer is that you will be encouraged to know that you are not alone. I feel you. I am walking this same uncertain and scary road. I hope that today you can step into this place of humble surrender with me. I hope that you will borrow my prayer as your own and that you will insert your own fears and anxieties and questions. My prayer is that Jesus will draw near to both of us and that minute by minute, second by second, we will lean and turn our eyes to HIM to be our source of perspective and to renew our joy. We are not dependent on friends or family members to be this source of truth for us. We are not reliant on our government or politicians for their wisdom and direction. The inundation of facts and perspectives from podcasts or instastories don't have the final say.
All of these might have value but at the end of the day, if looking to them is creating more anxiety and less peace and less JOY, there's ONE we probably missed in the mix of it all and that is MORE turning our eyes upon Jesus.

Love, Brittany