Sunday, December 27, 2015

Five Things Not To Say (After Pregnancy & Infant Loss)

I've been thinking a lot.  Usually this mulling and churning results in some more frivolous writing pieces for a time.  Hence, the reason you've gotten posts like Apple Frickin' Pie,  O' Christmas Tree and Spreading Christmas Cheer. 

It's not that these posts haven't contained important words and details... because Apple Frickin' Pie, well of course that's important.  It's more that these posts are just kind of killing space and time until I've come full circle with a lot of my deeper thoughts about life.

It's been three months since we experienced our second miscarriage.  I've really been struggling with how we as humans care for one another's hearts in times of grief. 

We've experienced some really beautiful acts of love and care since the day we knew we were losing our baby-- and then some just as equally not so great.  And I've struggled with the "why's" and the "how's" so much that I finally decided -- you know what?  Many of the people in my life haven't experienced the loss of a child.  Many have, but many have not.  So instead of being angry and hurt and exasperating by the unmet expectations I've held for them, maybe I should just straight up write about what not to say and do when someone you know has lost a baby -- whether it be through miscarriage, a birth defect or infant loss.   


1. "It was for the best.  God was protecting your baby from being born sick."  I had a friend tell me, "I didn't really take you seriously when you said people told you those things.  Until I lost my own baby. Yes. You were right.  People are that insensitive." 

Listen, there might be so much truth to that statement.  Perhaps my baby was being protected from a life of suffering and pain.  But if your friend walks in with the haircut from hell, you don't tell her she looks like hell.  You tell her, "It will take time.  It will grow out.  We'll get through this together."

I don't need to be told the straight up truth about WHY my baby died.  I need you to grab my hand and to tell me, "I know this is hard.  You can do HARD.  We will do hard together."  The end.  Please, stop saying this to friends and family members who have experienced the loss of a baby. 

2. "I understand how you feel." Especially if you've never lost a baby, please don't say this.  For those who have lost a baby, saying this is more acceptable.  For those who have not, comparing the grief of job loss or a family trauma -- while undoubtedly devastating -- the type of grief is very different.

This grief isn't comparable when you've literally watched the life of your baby wash down the bathtub drain.  It isn't comparable to the loss of the dreams and the future you had for your baby's life.  Some grief is different.  Not more or less than.  Just very different.  Know when to compare grief and when not to. 

3. "Be thankful for the children you already have." Yes, I am so very thankful for Mackenzie and Levi. Levi was the joy after the sorrow of my first miscarriage so there isn't a day that goes by that I don't thank Jesus for the gift of his life.  But just because I'm thankful for the children I do have doesn't mean I'm not entitled to grieve the children I have lost.  Mourning the babies I have lost is important and necessary. It's natural.  Please don't try and speed the process up by invalidating my grief. 

4. Don't say nothing.  Look, I know that there are things in life that make us uncomfortable.  For me it's things like black liquorish, the season of winter and the dethroning of Pluto as a planet.  For you it might be things like confronting hard topics like death or cancer.  We still have to deal.  Because with the exception of the dethroning of Pluto, the rest are here to stay. 

On a more serious note -- Please, don't say nothing.  Because saying nothing is worse than saying the wrong thing.  We aren't looking for extravagant displays of sorrow or grief.  We're just looking for a simple, "Hey, I'm so sorry you lost a baby."  If you're brave enough, a "How are you?" 

Those brave words will do wonders for the heart of a mom and dad who have suffered a loss. Saying nothing makes us feel alone and forgotten.  Saying nothing makes it seems like our loss was insignificant. Saying nothing makes us feel like you aren't the ones to walk with us in the valleys, that you only want to be there for the mountain top experiences.  And more than the loss of a baby, is the realization that the people you thought would be there during the valleys have all but disappeared. 

5. "You can try to have another."  Again, the babies I have or may have don't lessen the loss I am feeling now.  And yes, trying for another is an option for many couples.  But I also have friends who have tried and tried and have never had another.  Maybe another isn't in the cards.  And that's a whole other side of the grief process a mother will have to go through.  It's probably best not to make the "You'll have another" assumption and to just keep those thoughts to yourself. 

There are a lot of really great, supportive things you can do for someone who is experiencing or has experienced the loss of a baby. 

Simply say, "I'm sorry for your loss."  Bring a meal so that your friend doesn't have to cook for a night or two.  Offer to watch older siblings for an afternoon.  Losing a baby is physically painful.  A friend took Mackenzie for an afternoon and it was one of the biggest blessings to me.  Send a card. Ask, "Did your baby have a name?Remember your friend's due date -- this day will be one of the most painful and lonely days for her, so be that one person to remember.  Show up on the front porch with coffeeLet her cry Tell her you've been praying for her.  Help her think of a way to honor her baby

None of these things require much effort and yet, each one of these acts of kindness speaks volumes.  Each one of these acts speaks, "Your baby's life had meaning."  Each one says, "I'm here. I have not forgotten." 
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Monday, December 21, 2015

#New Year No Spend

Is it just me or are you pretty much "spent out" come January 1st?  Good heavens, I'm feeling over spent now and it isn't even Christmas yet. So when my friend Emily over at The Dependent Life Blog approached me about doing another "no spend" month, I jumped for joy!
 
Another "no spend" month?  Yes, we've done this before.  And loved it!  Hard to believe, I know.   
 
If you are new to Little Mountain Momma then I should explain a little more about what a "no spend" month is.  This past August, our family decided to embark on the challenge of not spending money in a single store for a month.
 
 
This was pretty much the scowl I gave when we first began to throw around this seemingly "crazy" idea.
 
To give you a brief overview, the month went something like this --
  • Regular bills, gas for our cars and medical emergencies did not fall under the "no spend" category.  Those obviously needed to be paid. 
  • We did all of our meal planning and grocery shopping for the entire month prior to August 1st. 
  • Eating out was only acceptable if we were using a gift card. 
  • Friends and family were incredibly generous --  occasionally treating us to coffee, playdates out and even buying gift cards to treat us to a meal out. 
You can read more about how our "no spend" August went in these past posts --
 
 
 
So, we've decided to do it again.  And this time we're teaming up with friends!  Call me crazy, but I am just so excited!  Doing a "no spend" month as a family was fun... but doing it with a camaraderie of friends sounds even better.  So we're inviting you! 
 
 
We'll be using the hashtag #Newyearnospend as a way to promote our "no spend" month on social media.  If you're a blogger and you would like to join us and blog about your "no spend" month then we would be happy to create you a pin with your blog name attached.  Just email onelittlemountainmomma@gmail.com and include your blog name if you would like your own pin created. 
 
We're heading into this month knowing that not everyone who commits will be able to adhere to the "no spend" month as strictly.  Some of those who have agreed to join us have said they will do a "modified" no spend month.  Some are choosing to do only a half month of no spending. 
 
Our family specifically will be doing one mid month grocery store run to buy fresh produce because we don't have the luxury of our garden produce like we did in August. 
 
That's the beauty of grace.  A "no spend" month doesn't have to be done perfectly -- there may have been some cheap pizza and wine thrown into the mix of our "no spend" month this past August.  I bear no shame.
 
 
 
The basics of the challenge are pretty simple --
  • No impulse spending
  • No eating out unless using a gift card (& be intentional not to go over the card amount)
  • Be creative and utilize resources (Example: Make a birthday gift if you forget to buy one ahead of time, borrow sugar from a neighbor if you run out prior to the end of the month... you get the idea)
  • Know your necessities and stick to them.  Paying bills and filling your car with gas are necessities.  Your mani/pedi however, can wait until February. 
What's the purpose behind a "no spend" month?  To save money and to practice simplicity.  I don't know about you, but a little less sounds refreshing after a holiday season of so much excess.

So who else is in?  We would be thrilled to have you join us!  We will be starting January 1st so you still have some time to think and plan ahead!  If you have any questions, feel free to email me at onelittlemountainmomma@gmail.com
 
The following other bloggers have committed to jumping on board with our #nospendnewyear, so
check back throughout the month of January to catch up on how these mommas are leading their families on this financial challenge! 
Adriane over at Balance With Me
Emily over at The Dependent Life
Rebekah over at My MSPI Baby
Fifi over at Fifi & Florence
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Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Spreading Christmas Cheer!

Christmas baking is in full force over here in the Baker home!  One of my favorite things to do with Mackenzie since she could barely waddle was invite her to bake with me.  This past weekend we finally felt like Levi was old enough to join in the fun! 

 
 
 
And of course, inviting him to lick to the cookie dough off of the beaters was a vital part of his initiation into our family baking party!


 
We used the classic Toll House Cookie Recipe but replaced the chocolate chips for red and green
M & M's and instead of regular flour we used our favorite gluten free flour blend.

 
 

 
 
As a family we've decided that one of our goals for this upcoming year is to get to know our neighbors and to serve and be generous to our community.  I created some gift tags on Canva -- have you heard of it?  Really, it's the next best thing to baileys in my coffee. 
 
Canva is a design site where you can create your own printable documents or web images.  Using Canva's "business card" template, you can create the perfect sized gift tags to say "Merry Christmas" and "Thank You" to the important people in your life!
 
I love to see my girl's face light up as she puts together special gifts for our neighbors and friends and service men and women! 

 


 
Because there are so many people to gift during the holidays, I've put together a little reminder with ideas of who you can bake or buy for this season.  I believe the thought really is what counts, so leaving cookies or fresh baked bread out for the trash men or the mail carriers is certain to brighten some spirits in the midst of a long week!
  
 
Consult the Emily Post Tipping Guide for a more detailed guide of how much to spend and what to buy as a "Thank You" for service providers like nursing staff, apartment managers, mail carriers and more.
 
Below are some free printable tags for you to use if designing your own on Canva isn't really your thing!  Just click the links and push "print"!
 
Print your tag for family, friends & neighbors here!
 
Print your thank you tag here!
 
Hope you are having a wonderful week! 
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Monday, November 30, 2015

O' Christmas Tree

This past weekend we caravanned our way through the snow with friends of ours to a little mountain town to hunt down and chop our own Christmas tree.  For the first eight years of our marriage I won the "fake tree" battle.  For the past two years Jeremy has won out with his real tree.  Humbly, I'll admit that I love our real tree and I'll never go back.  There's just something about the smell of fresh pine and the excitement of the tradition of picking a new tree each Christmas season.
 
 
 
 
 
I confess, I'm not a big fan of winter.  I would be perfectly content to decorate a Florida palm tree while sipping a fruity drink, toes in the sand on Christmas morning.  But this tradition just really won me over.  I loved watching my babies play in the snow, the way the sun cast its glow onto a pure white landscape and the way the mountains loomed their silhouette behind us.  It was pretty magical. 
 
 
 

A little tailgating with friends after the tree hunting! 
 
 
 
 
 
 And, in true 2 year old fashion, Levi decided he was done cooperating rigghht about the time I requested this family photo.  Hence the hand on my forehead and laughter as I realized, "This is going to be quite the Christmas photo". 
 

And, here you have it friends. 
 

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Happy Friendsgiving!

Have you ever made a new friend only to look back and realize that God's hand divinely put that person in your life through a series of missteps and "off timing"?  Let me explain.  There have been a handful of times in my life where I've met someone special, only to realize that, left to my own plans, our paths would never have crossed.  This year, I felt so strongly that celebrating these friendships was important.  So together with Mackenzie, we planned a special Friendsgiving Playdate.
 
 
This past January I enrolled Mack in a theatre class at our local rec center.  For anyone who has met Mack for even a millisecond, you know that this girl needs to be on a stage.  She lives for performing and being the center of attention. She was counting down the day until her first class like it was Christmas.  So you can imagine both of our disappointments when, just days before the start of the class, I received a phone call to say that the class had been canceled due to low sign up volume. I reluctantly chose a ballet class for her instead in an effort to boost her spirits. Truthfully though, we were both pretty disappointed.  She had done ballet before and we were excited for her to try something new. 
 
 
Fast forward to the first day of ballet class... I remember rushing in with an armload of kid stuff -- Ballet clothes for Mackenzie, trains and trucks and snacks for Levi.  This is just what you do when you have a 2 year old boy to entertain for an hour while his big sister dances.  This was the day I met Kendall, Mayci and Reid. 
 
 
For the next 5 weeks Kendall and I connected over breaking up wrestling matches between our two year old boys who refused to share toys and loved to steal one another's snacks.  We watched our 6 year old daughters dance and twirl from the glass window and traded stories of our motherhood journeys so far. All the while not really realizing the significance of the friendship we were forming.
 
 
Side note -- On the menu for this Friendsgiving Celebration was Not Yo Momma's Chicken Noodle Soup (Get the recipe from this post), adorable mini cornish hens, fruit salad, veggies, deviled eggs and Apple Frickin' Pie (get the recipe from this post).  And of course, spiced cider and red wine for the mommas.
 
 
 
 
 
Not Yo Momma's Chicken Noodle Soup & Apple Frickin' Pie


 
 
Almost everything on this table with the exception of the red roses and the glass pumpkin came from the dollar store.  The dollar store is my "go to" for holiday décor and it can be done classy.  You can read my Memorial Day post for more dollar store decorating tips!
 
 
 
It's been 10 months since meeting Kendall and I look back now and thank God that Mackenzie's theatre class was canceled last January.  Kendall has not only become one of my very best friends but her two sisters Lauren and Jordan are becoming two of my closest friends as well.  That's three divinely orchestrated friendships that I almost missed out on. 
 
 
 
The story doesn't end there though.  Mackenzie is now classmates with Macyi and Eden who are Kendall and Lauren's daughters.  And Levi is making friends with all of the younger cousins.  Had I not met Kendall, Mackenzie would not be attending a school that we absolutely love and is only 10 minutes from our home.  Points to you if you are still following this post, ha!

These three sisters are some of the most kind and generous women I know.  I'm so thankful that God chose to cross our paths and bring our family these beautiful friends.

(From left to right -- Kendall, Baby Eddie, Jordan & Lauren) (Mackenzie, Mayci & Eden)
 
 
Take some time this week to say a prayer of thanks for the friendships you didn't go looking for.  I am just so thankful that God sees the bigger picture when I'm only looking at the details of the "here and now".  God sure knew I needed the Stiller girls in my life.
 
The happiest of Friend and Thanksgivings to you this week!
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