Where Is the Love

Two things I desire more than anything to teach my babies as they grow,  are to stay true to themselves and to stand firm in their knowledge of God's love for them. 

 

Over the past week I've realized just how far I still have to walk in my own path of learning to stand firm in these truths.

 

So I question, how can I as a momma teach my children to love who they are, to let go of what others think of them and to really rest in God's love, when I myself am clearly struggling with all of these?

 

I don't watch much television, but when I do, I've noticed a common theme of watching as a way to distract or numb.  I watch television to take away from the hard stuff in my day.  To take my mind off of playing Barbies for hours on end or to make little stuffed animals talk. I watch when the kids go to bed to forget the toughest parts of being a momma and sometimes because I just want to feel like an adult.

 

But I don't want to do this anymore.  I don't want to just drown out parts of my day. I want to live more intentionally and to invest in my kid's lives and in the lives of my friends and family.  So we canceled our television service. I made a commitment to love more, to live more deeply and to invest my time more significantly.  But I wasn't quite prepared for what I learned this week.

 

What I saw this week in myself is that social media plays a huge role in how I view my self worth.  When I didn't have the television to turn to or to play in the background and to tune out the Barbie voices, I immediately turned to my phone.  I had to see who had posted most recently and who had "liked" or commented on my photos.

 

I would love to sit here and say that I don't have an issue with self worth and that I'm completely comfortable in my own skin. I would love to say that I'm not looking for validation from friends (or even perfect strangers for that matter).  But good grief, have I realized this week how untrue that is.  So much of my heart is for transparency among mommas, and if I'm being completely honest, I have a long ways to go in loving myself and in looking beyond the approval of others.  I have a long way to go in resting solely in God's satisfaction and love for me. 

 

A few nights ago I prayed that God would help me to see how deep rooted these insecurities are and how I can overcome them.  I don't want to be a slave to the approval of others.  I want to rest secure in who I am and not in what other's opinions of me are.  I want to want God's best for me and I'm pretty sure that His best isn't signing on to instagram several times an hour to see who has "liked" my photos or read my most recent blog post. 

 

@Shaychocran (shameless plug to follow this momma on instagram) wrote this--

"You know all those images you just scrolled through in your feed?" That vacation you wish you were on... that house you wish you lived in...Those followers you wish were yours...That outfit you wish you could afford... That talent you wish you wish you had...That family that looks so happy...Those friends you wish were yours...I know we don't think about it that way, while we are flipping through instagram, double clicking away, but those seeds of discontent get sown almost unrecognizably in my heart and I know I'm not the only one.  Guard your heart sisters.  I love instagram but contentment and joy are NOT going to be found here. If anything, any joy we felt for a moment gets very quickly robbed in the minutes spent casually catching up on the day in instagram.  God loves you so much and wants to give you true lasting joy and satisfaction. The kind that you won't find here...or anywhere else.  So if your heart is full of angst, or sadness or loneliness or insecurity or just low level discontentment, do yourself a favor and put your phone down.  Joy CAN be yours.  Just go to the source. 'Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever will drink of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again.' John 4:13-14"

 

Can I get an, "Amen"?  This woman speaks truth.

 

I read this post tonight and it was like an answer to my prayer.  First off, a validation that I'm certainly not alone in my insecurities (because lets face it-- often times we convince ourselves that we are the only ones on planet momma to struggle with (x) (y) or (z)...)

 

And secondly, Shay Chocran's post was a swift kick in the pants to give me a solution for exactly what I needed to do to help kick this insecurity of mine to the curb.

 

So, at the risk of sounding super cliché, I'm giving up instagram for a week (or maybe more).  Just to get some sensibility back and to remind myself of what's most important.  To spend more time engaging my kids and looking to the Lord for where my value and self worth lies. 

 

Because these two are so worth it.  Because the way I view myself is going to shape them more than I realize.  Because how much I depend on others for my value and self worth is going to fill them deep and it's going to make them go searching for their value in all the wrong places. 

 

Because I want their God sized void to be filled with God and not the fillings of what the world will tell them is important.

 

So I think I'll go learn now for the three of us.

 

 

So, if you've made it this far, I promise I'll be back soon.  I'll be back to post more photos of my babies and to share more of the real and the honest moments of motherhood.  But for this week at least, I'll be on the floor making dinosaurs roar.  I'll be playing lots of candy land and princess monopoly.  And during nap times I'll be resting myself and seeking God's heart how He sees me first and foremost--  not from the "likes" of my instagram followers ;)

Baker Family Top 14 for 2014

Merry Christmas & Happy New Years from the Baker Family!

In honor of the New Year we thought we would highlight some of our top memories of 2014 and share them with you.

 

1. We got a puppy!

And then we sent her back. I may never live that one down.  Miya joined our family this past spring and stayed through August.  We loved having her but we quickly realized that, in a small house with dad gone all day, Miya was more like the 3^rd child we weren’t ready to have.  So, since we couldn’t understandably get rid of either of our human children, Miya is now just a frequent dog sitting guest.  It’s safe to say the only other family member as thrilled about this decision was Belmont ;)

2. Jeremy received a mountain bike for his birthday! Biking has become a new hobby he loves and it’s allowed him to get out and into the mountains with friends.

 

 

3.   We spent lots of time as a family exploring Colorado.  Family trips to Vail (which has become our favorite town for weekend getaways), hiking, swimming in the mountain hot springs and so on… Colorado is nothing short of breathtaking and as funny as it is for me to say this—I’ve become more of a mountain girl than a city girl! 

4.     To celebrate our 8^th anniversary Jeremy & I attempted to hike overnight to the top of Mount Evans— unfortunately, we didn’t make it to the top on foot.  We got lost along the way and ended up watching the sunrise from midway up the mountain.  We both agreed that our trek was a fantastic metaphor for marriage.  Often times scary, rocky and easy to lose your way--but the payoff of doing life together is some amazing sun rises and triumphant moments.  We’re looking forward to re attempting this hike in 2015—but in broad daylight this time!

 

5.     Some big career changes went down in our house this year. After 10 years with Starbucks, Jeremy finally burned the green apron strings (literally—we hosted a huge bonfire to celebrate and burned the aprons to a crisp).  In August he went from part time to full time with Cornerstone Christian Counseling and is now seeing a full load of clients.  This has been a huge praise for our family and we couldn’t be more thankful to God for bringing us to this place after such a long awaited dream.  Likewise, I began to work with seniors again after taking a full year off and it has been incredibly refreshing to get back to doing something I am so passionate about. 

6.       Levi got his first taste of the ocean!  Levi and I took a day trip to California and spent part of our time on the beach playing in the sand and sticking our feet in the cold water.

 

        7.  We became soccer parents!  Mackenzie joined a soccer team and we became the crazy fools screaming from the     sidelines.  Never-the-less, she’s a born natural and we will continue to cheer like banshees until she’s old enough to ban us from her games!

 

8. Levi turned 1 & Mackenzie turned 5! We celebrated with a big pirate & princess themed party and we were thrilled to have three sets of grandparents and all of the aunts and uncles fly into town for the big event!

9. Mackenzie started kindergarten and she LOVES it.  Her favorite parts of school are being a social butterfly (mommy’s words) and learning math.

 

 

10. I traveled to San Francisco & Sonoma with a group of girlfriends for a long fall weekend.

 

11.        We did some home renovations! Jeremy’s dad flew out to Colorado and the two of them redid our laundry room. Then we got really brave and tore down the awning off of the back of the house.  Slowly but surely we’re teaching ourselves how to do some renovating and it sure has been nice not to pay for outside work!

12. I was involved in helping to start a taskforce in Denver for the organization Love146 which acts to bring awareness and fight to end human trafficking in our city. I’m excited to continue my involvement this upcoming year.

13. We visited Anderson Farms as a family to pick pumpkins and celebrate fall!

 

1.        We traveled home to the Midwest for Christmas and then celebrated New Years back in Denver!

 

 

So, there you have it.  A highlight reel of our year in a nutshell.  If you’ve followed along this far we would love to share some prayer requests for the upcoming year.

-          We would love prayer for Levi’s health.  He is chronically sick with colds and double ear infections and it makes for a pretty miserable winter.  This went down last year and is the pattern so far for this winter too.  He is scheduled for a tubes consult in January but we’re praying for first and foremost for healing—of Levi’s little body and mommy’s sanity!

-          Prayer for wisdom for Jeremy and he continues to balance his workload and home life.  While his job is a huge blessing it is also time consuming and a heavy commitment and he’s gone long hours of the week.  Pray for rest for him and overall wisdom in how we as a family balance work and life at home.

-          Pray for direction this coming year as we make decisions on if we should keep or sell our home.  We really love our home but we are quickly outgrowing it.  We would love prayer for a clear sign from the Lord on when and if we should sell.  We want to be content in what we’ve been blessed with but we also know that sometimes God opens doors to move on. 

We hope you’ve enjoyed a little peek into our lives.  Please know that you are loved!  

Living a Life of Intentionality

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” – Proverbs 4:23

Think about it mommas.  How often do you turn on a news program in the morning—all you want is a cup of coffee and to feel like a grown up?  Your babies are playing at your feet and you want to start your day energized and in a good place.  And, while turning on the news might not be “wrong”, what you end up taking in is a news story about a family killed in a head on collision. Or a health crisis looming that makes you fear just taking your babies to the playdate in the next town over. 

And your day suddenly unravels.  Your heart is no longer in it for the long haul.  Rather than rising up from that couch with energy and confidence about the day ahead, you suddenly want to climb back in bed and hide from the world outside. 

So you grab your phone and you sign onto Facebook.  Or twitter or Instagram.  All because you don’t want to feel alone.  You want to connect with someone, anyone who is feeling your same anxiety, your same feelings and thoughts.  Someone who saw that same news story.

But instead, you get the perfect momma.  The one who is already up and dressed and wearing makeup.  And her babies are freshly bathed and actually at that playdate that you missed.   And you’re still at home in your jammies.  With a cold cup of coffee.  Afraid to leave the house. Or maybe just running really late. And feeling completely inadequate. 

Sound at all familiar?  Or maybe some variation of this? Can I be completely honest in saying that so often this is how I have allowed my days to go? 

Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”

This verse has been one that God has brought to me repeatedly during 2014 and it has been the catalyst for making some changes over the course of this past year.  We live in a time and place where anxiety and fear dominate so much of the heart and mind. 

And so we medicate—literally (with antidepressants) and figuratively—with reality television and sitcoms and old 90’s reruns. With the internet—social media and games like Candy Crush and Farmville.  We shop more.  We eat more.  We exercise more. Anything to numb us or take our minds off of reality and the harshness of life. 

When we really stop to think about it—we have SO much control and ability to filter what we allow into our lives.  And we are COMMANDED to do so.  God knew that this would be a struggle for humankind.  He knew that turning on the news would cause fear and anxiety over flying or going to a movie theatre.  He knew that signing onto a social media site would lead to the struggle of comparison and dissatisfaction and ungratefulness.  Jesus himself said, “In this world you will have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)  And I am so grateful we have a God who promises that world IS conquered.  Such hope!

But He also asked us to protect and safeguard our hearts while we are here on this earth. 

And so, I began to notice these things about myself.  I began to look for the avenues that were causing anxiety, that were leading way to fear and instability. 

I began to pray that the decisions I make moment to moment will be done so through the filter of Proverbs 4:23. “Lord, help me to, above all else, guard my heart. Guide me.  Lead me.  Show me what is causing anxiety, depression, tension, comparison, ungratefulness.  You name it.  Show me what is ultimately keeping me from being the woman You created me to be.  From being the wife and momma that YOU want me to be. And as I filter these things out of my life, please show me what to replace these things with that will ultimately bring LIFE to me and to the people around me."

And from this prayer I was eventually led to my theme for 2015.

The theme of “Living a Life of Intentionality”.

I don’t desire for this to to be a New Year’s Resolution, but rather a plea to God to make this a year of continued change in my heart and in my life.  A continuation of 2014 and the ways I’ve watched Him grow me over the course of this year.  It’s been one of learning discipline and starting to hope.  I’ve seen Him birth desire and new dreams in my heart and I’ve heard Him speak to me in ways I’ve never heard—or maybe I just wasn’t hearing before because I was allowing all of the outside noise of the world to really cloud my listening skills.

Moving forward with this year, I’m making intentional changes.  I’m taking a year off completely from television and media (magazines, radio etc...) And with my time I'm asking God to show me how to really pursue relationships with other mommas.  How to give life back to them and be an encouragement.  I want to be intentional with the ways I use my time through creating things and photography and reading and blogging.

I’m going into this year knowing that it won’t be a year of perfection.  There will be loads of of messups and ugliness and seeking Grace.  But I’ve got so much hope for how God is going to continue to change me and use me.  And I’m just SO excited.  Like-- Kid on Christmas Eve excited!

My greatest desire is to intentionally blog about this journey and in the process, share my life (the good and bad) with other mommas. I hope my heart for mommas shines through as I journey through this year and see what God has in store for me and how I can be a blessing to others and ultimately make this the way I live life .  With purpose and intentionality.  I hope you’ll journey along with me and ultimately be encouraged! 

All Is Grace

"Mack, did you see the sunset? Look how pretty it is!" Mackenzie and I are kicking around her soccer ball in the back yard on a Friday night. I think the typical response of most five-year-olds would have been something to the extent of, "Yeah, that's cool mom, now can you kick the ball to me?"  Instead Mackenzie looks at me and says, "I know mom, I already saw it.  It reminded me of Baby Finley." And then my heart went and melted into a giant puddle.

At the time that we lost our baby to miscarriage, Mackenzie wasn't even quite three.  We don't talk about Baby Finley very often but it was important to us when we miscarried, that Mackenzie understood the significance of human life and the love that we felt for that baby even though we never held him or her in our arms.  

I struggled a lot with how to process my miscarriage.  Science and health books told me it was "natural" and that 1 in every 4 pregnancies result in a loss.  Friends, in their desire to help me move on told me, "it was for the best" or "God was just trying to protect you from a baby who would have been born with some type of birth defect."  My doctor used the words "chemical pregnancy".  But all the research, all the words, all of the best intentions just all seemed incredibly shallow to me. I kept returning to what I knew to be true-- which was that God was (and is) the author of all life.  I believed there had to be a purpose for my little one's short life and that it has to be more than just science.

And two and a half years later, what I'm even more sure of than ever is this-- God didn't want my baby to die. But Satan did. God is a God of life, not death. Satan stole something good from me and what he intended for evil, my God created good.  Satan watched me suffer and he was proud and thought he had done good work  That he had succeeded in bringing me pain.  

But here's the pretty cool part. God used the short life of my baby and he used that loss to breathe desire to be a mom again into my heart. And almost one year later to the day of my miscarriage, after 51 hours of labor, I gave 8 pushes in a mountain side hospital room and I pulled a 6 lb 14 oz. baby boy onto my chest and I experienced more healing and more peace than Satan ever thought he could have taken from me. 

He didn't win. The beautiful sleeping boy in the next room over is proof that God wins. 

Proof that God loves me. That He's got my heart. Proof that He watched me from the time that I held my first baby in my arms and I struggled to be a good momma to her.  He watched as I wrestled day after day, night after night over whether or not we should take the risk and have a second baby. And maybe struggle again with post partum depression. And it took losing my second baby for me to realize how badly I wanted to be a momma again.  It took losing that baby for me to find healing. And that's what God does.
He takes us in our brokenness and He brings redemption. 

And sometimes, that redemption comes in the form of beautiful little boy.  A little boy who is the spitting image of his daddy.  Who loves to make silly faces and show you where his belly button is. Who loves to snuggle and read Pete the Cat books. A little boy who is fearless and only wants to climb and go down the tallest slides.  A little boy who loves to sleep and when he's not sleeping he carries his blankets around with him everywhere.  A little boy who is so full of life and love and has completely captivated my heart.

As difficult as it was for me to lose baby Finley, I have to recognize that without that loss, I would not have Levi with me today. The timing of his little life was no mistake.  Two years ago when I spent weeks and months grieving the loss of our sweet baby, I didn't realize what God had in store for me. For our family. Without a doubt, one of favorite things about God is that He uses our greatest losses and turns them into our greatest victories. All is Grace!

 

Grace

Last Thursday morning I boarded a plane and headed west to San Francisco and Sonoma for a long weekend with some of my best girl friends.  The weekend was like a dream.  In fact, when I began to describe it to my husband, he made the comment, "Sounds like you got a small glimpse of what eternity is going to be like."

The house we rented was on a beautiful piece of land nestled right against the mountains of northern California. The property held a garden with just about every herb, fruit and vegetable you could think of and we were told we could eat whatever we liked from the garden as long as we left some of the next renters. There were lime trees in the front yard, a big pool with a stone water slide and a large hot tub.  The home itself had two large shaded decks with plenty of seating to relax and enjoy the crisp fall weather.

I laughed more in those four days than I think I have in years. I rested. Really and truly rested. I slept uninterrupted with no children climbing into my bed, no feet in my face. I was able to sit in the quiet of my own thoughts and really reflect without interruption or the stresses of every day life parading in.  I experienced a peacefulness that I haven't felt in a very long time.

But fast forward to Monday morning after my return home and I have to be completely honest, this week has been a huge struggle for me. Levi's whining has seemed magnified, the house messes have seemed like mountains rather than small hills..  The cold and flu season is returning and it seems like we're surrounded by runny noses and germs galore.

I've been fighting the urge to wallow in self pity and ungratefulness. I've returned to "real life" but I haven't been able to snap back to reality and do so with a joyful heart. Haven't been able to find my place or to do my part well for my family. I've yelled at the kids more times than I can count and in general I just feel like one giant failure of a mom and wife. To put it plainly, I feel very graceless.

2 Corinthians 12:9 has come to my mind over and over. "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness."  But again, I have to be honest... this verse has always been a struggle for me to really grasp and understand.  I mutter it under my breathe because it's the Christian "thing to do".  Because reciting this verse is what believers are "suppose" to do at our low points.

So this week I've asked myself, what does mean for me on the days or weeks when I can't seem to find grace for myself? For my babies?  My husband? It's easy for me to muster up the grace for myself and my family on weeks when things are going "well".

When I'm on vacation and I've got plenty of time to rest and experience the beauty of nature without the demands of real life.

When I'm home and the kids are extra helpful around the house and the messes aren't piling up faster than I can clean them.

When everyone is healthy and happy and it's sunny outside and the birds are chirping and...well, you get the idea.

This morning at MOPS during our discussion group one of the moms made the comment, "THIS is what God's grace is for."  Such a simple statement but yet it really brought this verse home to me.  Jesus is most glorified in my bad mommy moments when I just give those moments up to Him. On the days when I can't find the strength to fight one more battle.  To wipe one more runny nose.  For the days when I feel like I've just totally blown it as a mom and a wife. It is then that I need the Lord's grace to find my way back.  To ask my kids for forgiveness.

And, it is through those moments of really seeking out God's grace that my kids see Jesus most in me. Because I'm able to confess that I am imperfect and it is only because of Him that I can find the strength to keep going.

Monday morning, my first morning back after vacation, we were running late to get Mack to school. I sped there praying that I wouldn't have to wait at the back door of the empty playground waiting for someone to let me into the school at their mercy. And of course, as I'm pulling into my parking spot outside of the school, a cop pulls up behind me and the lights go on.  Thankfully, after a strong scolding, the police officer showed me some grace.  But I couldn't seem to find any grace for myself.  I sat in the car after rushing Mackenzie into her classroom and I just sobbed.  The ugly messy cry. Less than a day back and I already felt like I screwed up.  Like I couldn't pull myself together to get my kid to school on time and I probably could have run another kid over with my recklessness.

That afternoon when Mackenzie asked me if I got a ticket, I was able to use the police officer's act of grace for me as a teaching moment for her.  "Mommy made a mistake, but the nice police officer showed me grace."

And I think that's what God does for me-- for us-- on a daily basis.  We snap at the kids and we beat ourselves up.  We think we've blown it again.  And maybe we have. Or maybe we're overreacting. But regardless, we are at the mercy of God's grace daily.  And thankfully, He gives it freely.  And I'm so grateful for that.

I don't show myself much grace.  This week has been a true reminder of that. And being a momma would be a heck of a lot harder if I didn't have Jesus constantly looking out for me and pouring out the grace where I fail to give it.

For The Hardest Days

I've got probably 10 minutes to write this before my littlest starts screaming like a banshee.

He's been doing this since almost the second he woke up this morning and an hour ago he had me a complete blubbering mess of tears.  Not all of our mornings go like this.  But a lot do.

I'm writing this is because on the days when I feel lowest, it is often because I need to feel connected to other moms.  I need to know that I'm not the only momma out there whose baby hasn't stopped crying since the second they were picked up out of their crib.

I need to know that I'm not the only momma whose 5 year old fights them on everything from what she'll eat for breakfast to why she shouldn't have to wear a coat on a 40 degree morning out the door to school.

I need to know that I'm not the only mom who has tried 5 dang times to warm her coffee but still can't find a second to sit down and drink it.  And breathe.

So hear me now, if you are having one of these mornings-- you are not alone.

Take heart in knowing, that your next door neighbor momma is probably fighting the same breakfast battles.

Take heart in knowing that the momma in line behind you at the grocery store is probably giddy because it's the first break from kids she's had all week.

I would know because that was me yesterday.

Take heart in knowing that you are not the only momma who watches the clock from nap time until bed time just praying that she can make it through without having one of her own meltdowns.

Little banshee is crying again.  I'm going to go pick him up and hug him. And kiss the tears away. But first I'm going to drink my coffee. And I'm going to breathe.  And I'm going to remind myself that I am not alone.  You are not alone.  We're in this momma journey together

 

#letsgetrealmoms

We're on day 13 of the the #letsgetrealmoms movement and I must say that I am completely blown away by all the quantity of moms who have posted and also the quality of posts that they've come up with.  All in the name of being transparent and wanting to share the realness of mommahood with no judgement.  We're up to 225 posts! If you're new to my blog you can check out the reason for this little movement here.

My very best friend has had a rocky road to mommahood to say the least.  But this week I was so incredibly proud of the blog she wrote in regards to our #letsgetrealmoms movement. Head over to Rachelle's blog to read more about why we're encouraging mommas to get real and to see what she's learning about motherhood.

"You might have to drag that baby into the bathroom just to get a shower.  That's okay."