For my Mini Me

This morning we sat, smushed together on that comfy brown couch hidden down in the basement.  Our cold toes were touching and our arms intertwined and wrapped together in funny angles.  I held my coffee in one hand and you in my other. I could feel your hot breath on my cheek and your messy blonde ringlets invaded my space.  

But I didn't mind. All I could think about was how far we've come.  How you've become my very best companion.  How every word, every smile, every moment with you is making up for lost time. And then, all of a sudden you leaned in closer and pressed your tiny lips to my bare shoulder as if you were reading my mind.  You didn't have to look at me or say a word.  That little kiss was enough.  It's as if you knew my heart at that very moment.  And I believe that you do.  

Someday, I'm going to tell you our story.  I'm going to tell you about all of the good and the bad and the everything in between that you and I went through to get to this place.  And I'm going to tell you that you were born to heal me.  Because more than ever, I believe that.  I believe that before you, I was afraid to love and to be loved.  Before you and even after you, my heart was hurting.  But there's something about this journey you and I have gone on together.  This journey has taught me that to really, deeply love someone, you have to be willing to endure the pain of pain. To endure and learn from it so that you can live and love freely in the future.  

A very important person in my life once told me to take out a picture of myself as a little girl.  To look at that picture and to tell the little girl in that picture, "You are good enough." "You are worth enough." "You have value." And I thought about this idea.  And after thinking for a while, I realized that I don't need that picture of me as a little girl.  You are that little girl for me.  

God gave me a mini-me.  There's a reason that you have the same blonde mop, big blue eyes and tiny squirmish frame that I did when I was three. There's a reason you love art and running and old people just like me. And no, I'm not going to chalk it up to genetics.  I have a mini-me, because God in His perfect wisdom knew that I needed to heal and that the only way to heal the right way was to do it through learning to love.  

And that's what this has been for you and I.  A journey of learning how to love. That moment we had this morning, it wasn't just a moment.  It was a photograph in time, where I can look at the "us" we've become and see how I've learned to love you and how I've learned to love myself.  There was a point in time when I didn't know either was possible.  There was a time when I looked at you and thought "I can't do this.  I wasn't meant to do this."  And now my sweet girl, I know that both are possible. And I look at you and I think, "I can!"

A very special thanks to Heather over at The Extraordinary Ordinary for giving me the inspiration I needed to write this post.  From one momma to another, you are amazing.

Just The Three Of Us

As I've written before in some of my more serious "momma posts", I began this blog mainly to be a voice for mommas who are afraid to admit that life isn't so perfect. The daydream that  you had as a little girl (you know, the one where you blissfully hold hands with your prince charming, while pushing your smiley baby in a stroller through the park), may happen every once in a while, but it isn't every day life.  I spend my days as a mom, picking up stray cheerios, wiping runny noses, painting toenails sparkly pink and searching for a tattered, blue elephant we affectionately call "Ted".  This is my life.  It isn't perfect and some days I have to be intentional about discovering the hidden blessings in between all of the seemingly mundane moments.  So here's my "my life isn't so perfect" spill for the week...

I've spent the past several months doing some soul searching.  Our little girl will turn three-years-old this July. Friends and family and (oh, heck) even perfect strangers have begun to question, "When are you going to have another one?"  Often when I am asked this question, I respond, "Never..." Then I stare blankly just to see what kind of a response I'll get.  Sometimes I respond with, "I like my sleep too much." "I enjoy that I'm past the baby stage." "I would love to travel more, yadah, yadah, yadah..." All valid concerns, 

but let's be honest... superficial none-the-less.  

The real truth: I want to want another baby.  I love the idea of filling up more bedrooms and of giving my little girl the baby brother she keeps asking for.  I would love to add another toe headed child to our family photos.  I want to want this more than anything. 

What many on the outside don't realize is that bringing a new baby into our home would likely come at a cost.  I don't just mean the normal "sleep deprived, money is tighter, I'm 20 lbs above my pre-pregnancy weight" cost.  I'm saying that the first time around, postpartum depression nearly destroyed me.  It took a huge toll on our marriage and it ruined many of my friendships. And the worst was that our baby girl didn't experience her momma like she deserved for over a year.  

In hindsight, I can see that I was very lucky.  My husband was a rock through my worst of worst days. And, although I would give anything to get the bonding time back with our daughter, she was so young that she was spared the gist of it .  I lost friendships but I've repaired some of them and created new ones in the meantime.  

I was and am beyond blessed. 

I am stronger and I am wiser because of having been through PPD.

I have a compassion and appreciation for other moms that I couldn't have had. 

I see my life through a new lens...one that is filled with grace, redemption and forgiveness.  

However, even having come through and learned all of this- it doesn't mean that I ever want to face the demon of PPD again. When I look back at that time in our lives I relive a darkness that I never ever desire to meet again.

I've been so grateful for the women in my life who have stepped up and walked beside me as I've gone through this process of sorting out where we take our family next.  Countless friends have said, "I'm not going anywhere and I'll walk with you if you have to face this again."  It is these friends that have made me feel like having another baby someday just might be okay. And so, as one suggested, I've been lifting my family up in prayer.  I've been asking for the desire to have another baby someday.  Right now, I honestly don't have it.  Right now, I'm overcome with fear and anxiety about how bringing another baby into this world would affect my little girl and my husband and of course me. This is where I am right now.

I write all of this for a few reasons. 

The first reason: I know I am not the only other momma out there who has walked this road.  I know I'm not the only other woman who has journeyed through PPD and then gone on to struggle with wanting (or not wanting) a bigger family.  And yet, some days I do feel utterly alone.  When I am at play group and the mom sitting across from me just had her first baby a year ago and is already pregnant with her second....yeah, I feel alone. When I hear of friends who were pregnant along with me three years ago, and are already two kids ahead of me and on to their third baby. Yes, I feel alone. So here I am saying it.  For anyone out there who stumbles upon this blog and can identify with anything I have written... you aren't alone.  I feel it too sister.

The second reason: I know there are those out there who look at me with judgement and can't fathom why I wouldn't want to bring  a second baby into our home. Honestly, this is the most frustrating lecture to get from family, friends, fellow employees, little old lady at the grocery store...

You haven't walked in my shoes.  You haven't held my hand along this journey.  You look in from the outside and you don't have a clue.  So please, refrain from judging me.  Instead of believing that I could be making a mistake by not further procreating, please choose to look at the little family I have now as beautiful.  And if this is all I ever have, this little family of 3 (and an outrageously furry cat), then I will love my life. And, I will always think my family is beautiful.

DIY Canvas Sign

I'm sure a lot of people have refused to jump on the Pinterest band wagon simply because it is another social networking fad.  And, although I was hesitant to join for that very reason, I'm so glad I decided to steer clear of the twitter sensation and becoming a Pinterest(er) instead.  My husband, who is currently in grad school studying Psychology, told me recently that creating things is a sign of mental health.  So, thanks Babe. Does this mean you won't mind if I clutter your office with stickers and glue guns and that dreaded sewing machine I'm still afraid to touch?

Since discovering Pinterest (follow me here) last fall, I've attempted a dozen or so new projects- in honor of Young House Love and the great Pinterest Challenge they put on each season.  They encourage their readers to move on from "oohing and ahhhing" at projects and to actually "DO" them. Some of my DIY projects have been a great success while others have just been so/so.  When we moved into our new house last month, I immediately knew I needed to create something that would cover the strange, empty, there-should-have-been-another-cabinet-there spot in our kitchen.

Pinterest has been booming with all sorts of "family rules" and DIY canvas signs.  I've been eyeing them for months.  At points I even researched several that I like on Etsy and my finger may have wavered over the purchase button once or twice.  I just never could bring myself to pay the $60+ price tag that often comes with them.

So, I finally got brave enough to try one on my own.  During a recent trip to Trader Joes, my cousin found this Virginia Woolf quote and I fell in love with it.  Never mind the fact that in real life Virginia Woolf committed suicide by filling her dress pockets with rocks and jumping into a river. Clearly, she didn't get the food she was talking about when she quotes this.

Regardless, I'm a strong believer in  feeding the people I love ridiculously delicious food. I'm usually only satisfied if they go away swooning.  So, I set out to put this quote on canvas.  My inspiration and instruction ideas came from Nothingbutbonfires and BrassyApple.

1. I started off by trying different stickers out on a piece of paper.  I searched high and low and finally found the ones I wanted at Michaels.  *Note, they were NOT in the normal sticker aisle.  

 

I wanted to make sure that that it would work to peel them off and that the color wouldn't bleed through.  The black sticker was too sticky and broke off as I tried to peel it.  The red sticker peeled perfectly but left a little bit of paint that had bled through.  I decided to take my chances and go with the red stickers and planned to paint over any color with white.  

 

3. Next, I cut boxes around each letter so that I could display them on the canvas to get an idea of where they would each be placed.

 

4.When each of the letters were placed, I used a ruler to draw straight lines with a pencil so that there wouldn't be any slanting.  I re-placed the stickers on to see how they would work with the new lines.

 

 

5.Once I was certain I had each of the letters/words where I wanted them, I began to peel and stick them on.  It was much easier to see if the lines were crooked once the letters were peeled and stuck on. I enlisted the help of JB to help fix my lines.  At this point, I was starting to see triple of every letter.  

6. Once each of the letters was securely on the canvas, we moved on to the spray paint.  The idea to spray paint inside of a box (also from Pinterest) was so that the paint wouldn't spray out onto the floor, walls, etc.

 

This is what happens when you arm me with toxic spray paint at late hours of the night. 

7.The next morning I sprayed the sides and bottom of the canvas.  That afternoon, I peeled the stickers off and we got this:

I'm absolutely thrilled with how it turned out.  Below, is a side view of our canvas hanging.  Please excuse my bombshell of a kitchen.  I took this immediately after attempting my own version of "The Cupcake Wars".

 

I am pretty thrilled with how this canvas turned out.  Although it was a time consuming project, it was well worth it.  In total this project cost me $20 compared to the $60-$80 I would have paid to have someone else make one for me.  It also feels great to have something hanging in our home that we put our own time and energy into to make "ours".  Maybe I'll try my own family rules board next...

Changes!

 I can't believe we're already well into March.  Time is flying and life is constantly changing.  Or at least it has been. Our biggest life change this year is that-- we bought our first home!  We are officially home owners. And this means, I'm going to remain a "Little Mountain Momma" for a good while longer.  

And honestly, for the first time, I'm not feeling so city sick. I love cities and I miss our city more than I ever imagined I could. How can a place leave such a permanent stamp on your life and your heart?   But, here I am, feeling pretty sentimental and reflecting on all of the journeys God has brought us to and through and I am ecstatic about this current one were on.  

So, in short- here's our house story. We had been told by countless friends that house buying could be a nightmare.  This past fall we began to pray about buying a home and we prayed that if this was in fact, the right time to buy, that God would make it very clear to us by opening and shutting necessary doors.  So here's how it went-

January 21st- met with our realtor to visit home # 1.  It was in a wonderful neighborhood but had been beaten up pretty badly inside by its previous owners.

January 24th- Visited house # 2- We fell in love.  Beautiful home in an older neighborhood, 4 beds 2 baths.  It was remodeled but maintained the older home charm which we wanted.

Here's where the oops on our part came in- We didn't anticipate falling in love with house # 2.  Our lease on our current apartment wasn't up until June.  

January 26th- We put in an offer on the home and prayed the sellers would agree to 90 days closing which would essentially have us closing right as our lease was ending.

January 27th- Sellers countered our offer and asked us to close February 22nd BUT offered to give us a check at closing for the remainder of our rental lease.  We were floored.  And we said yes! Who wouldn't?

January 28th- We accepted the offer and officially went under contract!

That gave us 3 weeks to have our inspection done, have the home appraised and our loan approved.  Everything went off without a hitch and on February 22nd we were standing in front of our new home with the keys.  And the best part, we're exactly 12 minutes from Downtown Denver!

Living In The Moment

Family life over the past several months (more like year & a half) has been a hectic mix of juggling year # 2 of grad school, two full time jobs, marathon training, church, small group...and oh yes, a little thing called "raising a toddler".  This morning's snowfall was such a gift to wake up to.  With all of the leaves still on our front yard trees, today everything was white and powdery and beautiful with just a hint of gold peeking out.  I love mornings like this because they seem to always bring a sense of serenity and peace to an otherwise hectic world. I could have chosen to moan and groan over this premature winter storm but the smile on my little girl's face when she climbed out of bed this morning and ran to our balcony was enough to make my whole day.

An afternoon of playing in the snow!

 

Living in the moment.  So thankful for making these memories with my little family.

Do You Butter Cream?

Hi Friends,

I've decided to take a break from Little Mountain Momma for a while to focus on writing my book and to spend some extra time with our little family.  Before I go, I wanted to share an update to an older post I did from a few years back.

Tonight we celebrated JB's 30th birthday.

We were married at 20, so in a sense, this birthday seems like a pretty big deal.  We managed to pack a whole lot of living into the past 10 years.  

We've lived in two different states and 5 apartments before finally buying our first home. We've owned 4 vehicles.  We both beat our bodies into submission by running marathons, ha!

We've had...well...way too many pets.  I lost count after the last surprise litter of bunnies.  And we still don't know where that darn Belmont ran off to. 

We created life together 4 times -- two of those babies we have the privilege of raising here and two that we will meet in heaven. 

The past 10 years hasn't looked much like I ever would have pictured but it sure has been an amazing ride.

Tonight we celebrated with chocolate cake and my Grammy's out of this world butter cream frosting recipe.  It's too good not to share it with you.

Grammy's Butter Cream Frosting Recipe 

My grandma's handwritten recipes will always taste best to me.

Recipe

1 egg white

1/2 c. soft margarine

1/2 c. crisco (vegetable oil spread)

1 c. sugar

1/2 c. warm milk (make sure it isn't steaming so as to not curdle your recipe)

1 t. vanilla

Beat egg white till light & foamy 

Add margarine, shortening, sugar, milk & vanilla,

Beat for 8-10 minutes (until desired texture)

* I added a bit of cocoa powder to make a chocolate version but vanilla is wonderful too!

Refrigerate to thicken or until you want to frost your cake.  Or just eat it with a spoon straight from the mixing bowl.  That's probably the best way to do it.

Happy Birthday, my love.  I can hardly wait to see what the next decade holds for our little family. 

*Edited as of 3/31/16

All Things Fall

In light of last week's post, I thought I'd make this post a little more lighthearted.  

Here are my current favorite things for this fall season--

Last month, a friend and I went shopping at the Yankee Candle store and stocked up on seasonal tea light tarts...this new scent Pumpkin Buttercream is my favorite.  It is to die for. Your family will love you just a little more if you burn this in your home this season.

We love French Breakfast Puffs....better known in our family as "Duffins" or "Donut Muffins". 

We discovered this Pioneer Woman recipe last fall and they were a hit with all of our seasonal out of town guests. If you are going to make them I'll tell you that our family's secret ingredient is a 1/2 cup of pumpkin pie filling.  If you try making one new thing this fall MAKE THESE.  

I have Pinterest to thank for this next recipe.  We've made this Glazed Pork twice in the last two weeks.  It is a simple crock pot meal and absolutely delicious.   This meal is also fairly inexpensive because most of the ingredients are staple items you likely already have in your home.  However, if you feel the need to increase your grocery bill by say-- 10 or 15 extra bucks, you can add in the cloves that somehow mysteriously appeared in my parent's version of this recipe.  Love ya, mom ;)

Switching gears entirely-- 

Fall Fashion & Home Decor

My favorite fall fashion piece is this SimplyVera Vera Wang ruched scarf.  It is soft and looks classy and stylish under fall jackets or paired with a leather jacket and cute jeans.  

This is my final year to control what my daughter will be for Halloween.  Next year, I'm certain she'll be  insistent on choosing her own costume and like most stubborn, strong willed toddlers will want to be a princess or, (Lord, help me) some type of themed TV character like Dora or Barney or Sponge Bob.  With that future thought in mind--I'm going ultra creative this year.  Mack will be sporting this peacock getup.  I think it's adorable.  I'm also trying hard to ignore the fact that for weeks I'll be picking multicolored feathers off  my couch and out of my carpet.

I love these bright colors for fall.  Pam, if you're reading this...

I'm coming for your ugly couch pillows. 

I love this mantle.  I've been dying to recreate this look over our own fireplace.  
It may have to wait a few months until I can pull some budget friendly DIY pieces together but eventually I hope to create this look.


And, just for the heck of it ( because I'm on currently on a crochet kick)
Head to over to Hipknitized for a free pattern to make your own coffee cup holder.  I think my heart skipped a beat when I first saw this.  Come on Dad, you know you want one.

I'll leave you with some pictures of one of my favorite places to visit in the fall-- Estes Park, CO.

Last week we took our Seniors here for a scenic drive & a picnic to see the changing colors.  As we drove, I was overcome with memories of our engagement summer here just over 6 years ago.  Memories of snowball fights with our cousins in the middle of July and of our family devouring caramel apples on the side of an Estes Park hill. So much has changed since then-- a lot of life has been lived. Someday soon I hope that JB and I can bring Mack back and create some family memories of our own.

Happy fall everyone!  I hope you are enjoying this season as our family is.